When Mommy Needs a Timeout

There was a baby crying. There was a loud toddler singing. There were adult day recaps on both sides of the table. Dishes clanging. Background music coming from the small speaker on the counter. So. Much. Noise.

I could feel the muscles in my back tensing. I could feel my head getting foggy. My breathing was getting quick. Small imperceptible tears were forming in the corners of my eyes. There was too much, and I was getting overstimulated.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hide and find quiet. Instead I snapped at my husband who was very likely just trying to help by entertaining the toddler or trying to show interest in whatever it was I had done that day.

We've all had these moments, the ones where we lash out at the first available customer instead of handling the chaos of life's daily grind with any sort of grace or poise. My moments like that tend to come between the hours of 4-6 (I've heard that's often called the "witching hour" by other parents...). Dinner, the hubby getting home, tiny people at the start of tired time when they're also hungry: all of these factors are the perfect storm to send me into a tailspin.

So there I was, standing at the island in the middle of my kitchen feeling like exactly that - an island in the chaos of the waves, just trying to hold my emotional shoreline together when the I just couldn't take the erosion on my own anymore. And I snapped at my poor husband who hadn't done anything except just be.

Didn't I learn anything from that sand and rocks lesson that Jesus gave? Clearly not...
(Image from bibleschoolteachers.blogspot.com)

While I have no doubt that God is always present in my home, it was in the moments that followed that I realized I had been ignoring that presence (again). My husband put down whatever was in his hands, walked across the chaos... er... kitchen... calmly, took me by the shoulders, and looked me in the eyes.

"Dee," he started quietly, "go upstairs, take five minutes. Don't argue with me. Go upstairs, take five minutes." He paused to let me process what he had said, then made sure he still had my eyes and said "OK?". 

I nodded. I put down whatever it was I had in my hands. I left the room without a word, marched up the stairs, and flopped face down on the bed. 

I could hear the chaos continuing in the background, only this time instead of my own stressed-out voice I heard the energetic voice of a dad trying to settle the chaos down before the mom came back downstairs. I may have cried a little bit, I don't remember... but mostly, I talked to God.

I told God I was sorry for not paying attention to His presence in my kitchen. I told God I was sorry for ignoring His hands that were trying to give me the resources I needed to get through the rest of the evening and then opened my heart to accepting those resources. Then I thanked Him for giving me a man who clearly knew that it was time for Mommy to take a timeout when I was too stubborn to realize it myself.

I took down my husband's "I Love You Because..." boards where we leave each other notes (totally stole that from Pinterest, by the way), wrote a note thanking him for being an example of God's love and grace, left it on his pillow, took a deep breath, put on the armor God had just given me, and opened the door to return to the storm.

My sunshine-filled storm... October 2014
(Image taken by RLPhoto)

That was a little over a week ago, and since then I have been working to become more in tune with when Mommy needs a time out. I have always been susceptible to overstimulation (it is one of the reasons that I was grateful to have my own room as 1 of 4 children growing up) and what's worse is that I know it about myself, I know the triggers - and I often ignore them. I always try to push through it myself, to handle the chaos without God or anyone else around me and inevitably I feel physically and emotionally worse on the other side of it.

It is in the times that I ask for help either from God directly or from the people and support He has placed in my life that I feel the best when the storm calms. Those are the times that I am able to be the best mom, wife, and whatever else I have been called to be.

I need to be brave and strong enough to recognize when I need to take a timeout and to take it. I need to be humble enough to ask God or others for that help when the time comes. And I need to never stop praying, never stop asking God for His resources, and always asking for clarity of mind so that I really KNOW when the time is coming for a timeout.

I encourage my fellow moms out there to do this too. Know when you need a timeout and don't be afraid or ashamed or too proud to take it. Runners know that you won't go far if you don't remember to breathe. Video game consoles, computers, and cell phones all need that occasional reset in order to work properly.

This one is here to see if Steve is reading. Applicable, but also an inside joke.
(Image from "The IT Crowd", found on www.quickmeme.com)

Take the timeout. It's OK. I'm allowed. You're allowed.

Did They?

Last week I traveled out to the Mid-West area for a customer conference for work. Whenever I travel alone, I always try to strike up conversations with people so as to not become bored or look like a stuck-up hermit. Besides that, you never know what you can glean from another person in terms of what an area is like, a good place to get some food, or maybe that person just needed to talk.

I had three conversations last week with people that left me wondering... did they? 

The first was at dinner at a restaurant called Mangia Mangia in Downtown Kalamazoo. I was enjoying some vegetable-type dish and some rustic bread to soak up the sauce while playing "Words with Friends" on my phone. At the table next to me were three women who were enjoying some appetizers and drinks before heading out to a movie.

I overheard that one of them would be heading to Walt Disney World the following week for work and that they would be spending some time in Downtown Disney. Because I wanted to write a Yelp review for the place was eating, I had my notebook handy so I tore a piece of paper out and wrote down the information for my favorite place there - Raglan Road. Before they left, I excused myself into their conversation to pass the information along to her. She seemed genuinely excited, and both she and her co-worker/friend agreed that their other co-worker who would be going on the trip would be "pumped" about going there.

So I wonder... did they end up going? Did they enjoy it?

The second was in my taxi-cab on the way to the airport. I've never had a friendly cab driver, so when the fellow who picked me up was nice I took the opportunity to strike up a conversation. In the course of that conversation, I found out that he used to work for the railroad repairing and testing the rails to ensure they were safe for trains to travel on. The problem was that it took him away from his son, so he left that line of work and somehow ended up driving taxi cabs. He has two 2-year degrees - one in culinary arts and one in welding. He'd like to be using his welding degree, but the one job he's been able to find posted did not pay what the degree is worth and was for a company that clearly did not take pride in their product.

I asked if he'd checked a local aerospace company (our customer that I was in town for the conference for) to see if they had any opportunities for a welder with that high-level of credential. I know this company takes a lot of pride in what they do, so they probably would pay good money for a good welder. He seemed like he was interested and appreciated the idea, even mentioning that he would check it out. When I wrote down my email address so that he could email me the receipt from my cab fare charge, I added a note in parentheses to make sure to check them out. When I left the cab, he shook my hand and thanked me for the conversation - something a cab driver has never done.

So I wonder - did he end up checking out that company for welding jobs? If he did, will it work out?

The last one was while I was waiting for my connecting flight back to Boston at O'Hare in Chicago. Across from me sat a woman and her son - probably about the same age as my mom and me - engaged in conversation. At one point she stopped and asked me if I'd ever been to Boston, to which I replied that I grew up in the area just about 30 minutes north. She asked what the best place to get seafood was, where the "Cheers bar" was, and what they should do with only 3 days in the city - they had never been.

I texted my husband and between the two of us I gave them a whole bunch of suggestions of places they could go to or try; they were staying at the Seaport Harbor Hotel, so they were in a good position for walking around the city and exploring. We got on the plane, they were 2 rows behind me so as I got off the plane I told them that I wished they had a good time and they thanked me for all the tips.

So as I walked down the jetway I wondered - did they find "good seafood"? Did they enjoy the Boston that I love so much? 

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I am grateful for the fact that I was given the opportunity to reach out to people. Maybe the tips I gave the people traveling to Florida or Boston were helpful in finding a good place to eat or hang out, and maybe the taxi driver reached out to the company I told him about and he'll be able to get work welding like he wants to do. Maybe I made a difference, maybe I didn't, who knows.

What I do know is that in talking to people like that, it's a small way that I can spread some love and kindness in the world. Don't be shy - next time you're out in the world by yourself, chat with the person in line behind you, offer to hold a door for a person or carry their groceries, talk to the person next to you in the doctor's office or restaurant waiting area.

You never know whose life you'll touch.

Commuting - A Perspective

When Steve and I were house-hunting, we didn't take my commute to and from work into account for a few reasons. One of these reasons is that I don't mind commuting. It allows me some time to myself, some time to people watch, some time to unwind before I get home. This morning I realized that there are lots of things that cross my mind and think about and I observe or do while I'm gallivanting back and forth to the place I spend a third of my weekly existence. I thought it could be fun to share a few of them with you. Maybe you can relate.

(After scratching the inside of my nose) "Wow... that guy in the plumbing truck totally just saw me doing that. And he's on the phone telling his friend. Great. Good thing I'm married or I'd feel awkward right now because a decent looking guy saw me pick my nose."

Once when I had my old Buick I was driving to work with the windows down (the A/C didn't work that well). Stuck in dead-stop traffic, I made the most of it. I turned up my Alanis Morrisette CD and started singing along to the music. I looked over to my right, and an older couple whose windows were also down had caught me in the act. They smiled, waved, and I was glad to see that someone appreciated my ability to have fun in traffic. 

"This is a lot of traffic. I'm guessing there's a massacre of a car wreck up ahead." (A few minutes later...) "Nope... nope. Just a tiny bumper bump. Move along people."

I see more BMW's broken down on the side of the road than any other "luxury" car on a regular basis. Why do people buy these things again?

Of all the things that have changed on this interstate over the years, it's good to see they still haven't taken down the "Jesus Saves" signs.  There's something reassuring about that daily reminder. 

Someone added that bottom sign sometime in 2009 or 2010. It disappeared after a few months, but the "Jesus Saves" sign is still posted on either side of the highway in the same area on an electric pole - and has been for ages.

I wonder if anyone else just wants to get home so they can have a hug after the day they had. I wonder if anyone here that doesn't have someone wishes they had someone to hug. I wonder if they saw that sign back there.

Those clouds are pretty dark... looks like a thunderstorm. Wait... why the crap is it SNOWING???

Why is it when I've got plenty of time to get to work there's no traffic at all... but when I'm either running late or JUST have enough time: I don't move. 

It's a nice feeling to arrive safely to your destination.  

The Value of Lonely

This beautiful video about being alone had been making its way around the internet but I had been avoiding it. Admittedly, I have a hard time being alone and somewhere in my brain I thought that watching this video would have meant that I was preparing myself for loneliness.

It took reading my friend Kimberly's blog and seeing that she felt it was the single most beautiful thing she had ever read, seen, or heard for me to succumb to pressing the play button and watching it.

I am glad I did.

Her first words: "If you are, at first, lonely - be patient" spoke to me directly. It was almost as if she had said "Danielle" before starting that sentence because I am not patient when I am - at first - lonely.

There are times when I am alone for 5-10 days at a time because the nature of Steve's job has him away at trainings and conferences to be brought up to date on the latest technologies. During these times I have a tendency to make plans and surround myself with my closest friends or visit family because I am subconsciously afraid of being alone. 

"...and it doesn't mean you're not connected, the community's not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it."

This video has given me the perspective I need to start to understand the value of being alone. Steve is heading out to Colorado soon for more training - a 10-day jaunt - which means I'll be given opportunity to be alone for long stretches at a time.

I will take this time to do some of the things I've always wanted to do alone and been too afraid to try. I will find the beauty and value of being alone.

"But He Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray." - Luke 5:16