When I Look Back, I Feel...

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

I read these blog posts of parents of kids who hit preschool age and find their independence and they have these moments of wistfulness remembering sweet baby sweat smells and how small their babies were and how fast that time seemed to have gone by. Oh those wonderful days of nursing and snuggling and knowing that you were your baby's whole world, and now they're growing and when oh when did that happen... and I feel...

...nothing.

I remember my first year as a parent. I was depressed and didn't know it for 10 months. I was constantly worried about my son's size and not knowing what to do about that croupy cough he got at 9 months old. I overstressed about what food I fed my son and why wasn't I keeping the house clean and how do I get the social contact I just lost by coming home to look at a baby. A baby who, while incredibly cute and snuggly, doesn't speak English and communicates by blinking and pointing. A baby who wouldn't sleep unless I sang him "Boston", "Piano Man" and "Knee Deep" on rotation (no other songs worked... seriously).

All I wanted was to make it to toddlerhood. I even told God I was OK with only having one baby. One was enough.

Then... just as toddlerhood started to come into focus and I thought relief might be on the way... I got pregnant again.

Almost 2 years and 1 week old

My daughter was born a month before my son turned 2. She came into the world screaming, she made sure her presence was known. She had to sleep strapped into a baby seat for the first six months of her life so that she would actually sleep instead of gagging on reflux... which of course made me not sleep because I knew babies "aren't supposed" to sleep in anything other than on their backs flat in a sleep sack or swaddle. My son, my husband, and then my new baby all got colds. During the 2nd month of my daughter's life, we housed 2 teenagers and totalled a car. I got an 8-week ear infection. The last thing my new baby wanted to do during any of this time was snuggle or slow down - she wanted to move, so by the time I could come up to breathe I was contending with a 4-month-old who wanted to do nothing more than crawl. By the time she was 6-months, I was trying to make sure I didn't trip over a baby who would surprise me crawling underfoot while I was cooking dinner. She was climbing and giving me heart attacks at 8-months, and was using short sentences by a year.

If my daughter was ever one of these sweet babies you read about in blogs and books... she hid it well.

As my children hit their various milestones and as I look through old pictures and think back on the tiny people they were, I don't get wistful. I don't become bittersweet at how fast the last 4.25 years have gone by or regret not stopping and playing more cars or reading more stories instead of washing dishes. I would be lying if I said I wished I built more blanket forts or rocked my babies just a little bit longer or that I cherished that last nursing session with both of my kids. I longed for the days when an outing to a park or a museum didn't require a stroller and working around nap schedules or making sure I could breastfeed someone comfortably.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, there were several times that we thought we were going to lose her. I had a hematoma, I had cervical bleeding, I slid down the stairs on my behind leading me to modified bed rest for 2 weeks (which is exactly what the stay-at-home mom of a toddler wants to be doing). During one particular moment of panic, I remember looking at my husband and saying "I know I keep panicking and crying, but I just can't get rid of the feeling that we're not going to be able to keep her."

2.5 years and 8 months old

Sometime during the 6th month of my daughter's life as she crawled around my kitchen on her belly... it hit me - I'm not going to be able to keep my kids. God has given them to me for but a short period of their lives... then I need to let them go. Part of parenting, I've realized through prayer and consideration, is doing that slowly and starting at a young age. So when, at 8 months, my daughter decided to start climbing up the stairs - I didn't stop her. I let her go. When my son decided on a walk at 3 years old he didn't want to hold my hand and instead wanted to run up ahead and pick up sticks and pretend to be a pirate - I didn't stop him. I let him go. I let them run and do things for themselves while keeping a safe distance, watching and making sure they are safe.

God has gifted us with free will... He does the same for us. We run free while He keeps us at a far enough length to allow us independence, but is there for us when we fall. He suggests boundaries, He lets us grow, He lets us make mistakes and feel hurts so that we grow.

They are not mine to keep. They are growing. They want to do for themselves. They are their own people - they've shown me that since the day that they were born. And since that day I have prayed - "God, let me take these personalities that You have gifted them with and use me and use their Daddy to grow them into whatever person You want and have designed them to be. Let us be Your hands and feet in their lives and help them to discover Your plan for them."

And so as they grow and they discover themselves and they do for themselves and they reach out to help each other and others and figure out how to navigate the world... not once have I felt wistful at what has been. I felt a brief guilt over needing a c-section with my son and I felt a brief guilt over not being able to have one-on-one time with my daughter in her early days... but those feelings of guilt have passed and have been replaced with one overwhelming emotion.

Pride.

My kids are only 4 and 2 and they are far from perfect. They are human, and they are kids. They don't always listen, they act out, they are fresh, they don't always eat the dinner I put in front of them.

But my daughter at only 2 years old asks to help wipe down tables and asks how she can help you and my son since he was only 1.5 years old will be the first one at your side if you are sad or upset (even if the reason is that you're another kid in trouble and in time-out, he's concerned). I marvel at the hearts that they are growing to love others, I am amazed at the love they have for each other and the bond they are growing together. I beam with pride when they insist on doing something themselves and then perfect it.

My kids at 4 and 2 dress themselves, put on their own shoes (usually on the right feet), and generally obey safety rules. Strollers are no longer a requirement for most outings (we will be renting one at Disney primarily for storage and napping) and sometimes they can even help carry things.

3.5 and 1.5 years old

I was looking through old pictures last night, organizing on our server the hundreds of pictures we've taken over their daily lives. I came across a video of my daughter at about 14 months, toddling around the driveway while her brother looked on, digging away in the garden. "Evie," I heard my husband's voice say, "don't climb up the stairs." The video moved away from the moving toddler as he redirected her several times before she finally just gave up and walked away, but not before casting a defiant look that said "Fine... but those stairs are mine later."

This is when I had the thought... is there something wrong with me? Am I broken because I am not feeling any of the wistful feelings or bittersweet thoughts that I read about in blogs? Why don't I feel any of those "Wow... time sure does fly..." feelings that I keep hearing about?

Instead I felt wonder, amazement, and pride at how much my daughter has grown in the last year. My heart grew three sizes as I watched my son's face in the video and thought about how much he loves his little sister and watches out for her.

Last night as I sat and mulled over these things I realized... there isn't anything wrong with me.

Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every person is different. 

Maybe I am too close to the baby stage to "miss" it and in several years I'll see this differently. Maybe I won't. Somehow, I just don't know that I'm wired to look back and long for the days of babyhood. I'm incredibly excited to see my kids grow into their own people and see what God has designed them to be. When I see old pictures and videos, I am amazed at how far they've come and find it hard to believe they were ever so little... because now, they're just NOT.

And that's OK.

It's OK that I don't long for (or don't think I'll long for) those days of babyhood and it's OK that you do. It's OK that I am not that worried about holding on a little longer and it's OK that you are. It's OK that I want to make sure the dishes get done and it's OK that you're leaving them there.

It's OK.

This morning my 4-year-old son threw on some slip-on shoes and walked out to the end of the driveway to pick-up the newspaper, a job that he asked if he could do. No, Mom, don't come with me - I can do it myself.

If they paid children to say those words - "I can do it myself" - few would pay for college.

I watched from a safe distance as he went to the end of the driveway (they threw the paper about 5 feet in from the "end"), turned around, and came back.

My heart swelled with pride as I watched my little boy's face reflect a confidence boost because I trusted him and gave him room to do something himself.

I'll keep on praying that they will open their heart to God's plan for their lives. I'll continue to keep my distance away and my arms outstretched. I'll continue to watch in wonder as they grow and become their own person. I'll wait for them to need me and I'll try to be patient as they pull back and come back in their own times.

And I won't wonder if there's something wrong with me anymore.

I'm doing OK.

And so are you.

4 years and 2 years (and a couple of months) old

Let Sleeping Babies Freeze in Time

I can remember the day that we found out we were pregnant with our son. It was a Sunday, we were watching the Pats game. I picked up the pregnancy test at halftime and we took it during the second half. We hugged, we squealed, we jumped up and down.

I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant. Our doctor said there was a decent chance I wouldn't if I didn't get pregnant right after coming off the pill, and I had put God in my doubt box while He went ahead and gave us a baby anyways.

The Pats won. We celebrated our pregnancy with Indian food.

Our little Patriots fans in training - September 2014

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with our daughter too. I woke up that morning and every smell was bothering me. Then we had to leave a church picnic because I was having some bleeding issues... two clues that told me I needed to go get a pregnancy test. After Will was in bed that night, we took the test and sure enough - we had an in-utero Evie.

I will always remember the night we thought we had a miscarriage and the relief that I felt in the hospital the next day when they found a heartbeat and told me my cervix was fully intact. And I very clearly remember the day at 28 weeks we found out the hematoma was gone from my uterus. Prayer and praise and prayer and praise again.

We celebrated with Indian food that day too. And decided her name would be Evangeline, the bearer of good news.

God is so good.

Will playing outside during his last day as an only child. 

And I definitely remember the day she got her eviction notice. We call it "The Thursday".

Will was almost 2 and was halfway through a round of antibiotics to ward off a case of bronchitis and a mild ear infection. I had run out of probiotics the day before and didn't realize what missing a dose of them would do to his system. As a result, I spent the first half of my morning covered in kid puke before I was finally able to get us ready to go to Target to get more probiotics and a box of crackers for him to snack on while I went to my doctor's appointment.

While at Target I realized he didn't have a change of clothes and luckily there was an outfit on the clearance rack his size. I also realized - nine months pregnant - that I hadn't eaten my OWN breakfast that morning, so I bought and ate a Hershey's bar at the checkout.

By the time I met my husband at my doctor's appointment, I felt like I had been through the ringer. Exhausted, frazzled, worried about my son, hungry... and it wasn't even 10:30 yet.

Then the appointment happened. My blood pressure was high, there was concerning protein in my urine, and I was off to the hospital for a non-stress test and a full urine/blood work-up.

The doctor - thankfully my favorite OB was on call - said we'd be having our baby by dinner.

Baby Evie in all her pre-birth, 20-week in-utero glory

Oh dear Lord, give me strength.

My mom wasn't due up for another week. My husband called three JC Penney stores in her area to track down which one she worked at. Flights were changed. Arrangements for my poor, sick (and now exhausted from only having a 15-minute nap) little guy were made for the night. A ride for my mom from the airport was arranged.

The next thing I knew, I was in the OR with 90's rock music blaring (seriously, best birthing OR team EVER), getting a spinal, and lying down while they went and got Steve ready to come in.

Evangeline Margaret was born at 4:49 PM, making her presence known rather vocally.

OK... maybe not so vocally here...

We had a baby by dinner. Which for me was popsicles. They had never tasted so good.

That was a year ago. In just a few short days, our baby girl will be a year old.

I had heard someone say once that girls grow up faster than you want them to. I mean, my son is growing up too fast too, but Evie... Evie's really, REALLY growing up too fast. She understands almost all of what we say to her and listens and has opinions already and is one confidence boost away from walking.

I'm not ready for her to not be a little baby anymore yet.

So yesterday afternoon when she needed some snuggles after the first half of her nap, I had a hard time putting her back down in her crib to rest. There she was, head mostly on my shoulder but also leaning on my arm, legs and feet splayed across my lap, hands gripping her pink elephant and my shirt. Eyes closed, binky rhythmically bouncing sleepily in her mouth, the breathing of a snoozing baby slowly drifting in and out of her nostrils.

She was so peaceful, so comfortable.

Still so little. So much bigger than a year ago, but so much smaller than she'll be in a year from now, or ten years, or fifteen.

I just held her. I snuggled her. I put my nose in her baby hair and took in her smallness.

This was clearly not taken yesterday.

I think about my own mom who always just wants to hug us. I remember being well into my twenties and thinking about how annoying it was, but I never said anything because she was my mom. Something told me to just let her enjoy and let her love us.

Those hugs... they don't bother me anymore.

I get it now. I bet a part of her wants those baby snuggles just one more time. I know this because I watch my son grow and even though he's almost 3 now, there are moments when he's sleeping that I can still see that baby face somewhere in his eyelids.

My Grammy Kathy always says "There's nothing like a baby, is there?"

So I let Evie sleep in my arms a little bit longer these days. I enjoy those moments that she's just snoozing, because a day will come when she won't always want those hugs and snuggles - and even if she does, she won't be this small.

I'll never forget the day we found out she existed, the day we found out she was OK, and the day she was born.

I'll never forget the moments she rested easy in my arms.

And I'll hold these moments - and many more to come - with each passing year.

Because I never know when it will be their last, and they're on to the next thing that will make me take pause, fill me with pride, or leave me with more emotions than I can articulate.

God is so good. Praise Him for my little miracles.

And happy first birthday to my baby Evie girl.

Top Five Overrated Baby Items

Our youngest kiddo is about to turn 1-year-old and after now having two kids progress through infancy (Evie's almost at toddler stage), there are two things that I've come away from this stage with:

1. Every kid, every family, every situation is different for everyone - so don't expect that your advice will port from you to another mom (or another kid) seemlessly.
   
2. The baby industry will try to sell you just about anything they can. And they can - because you're so emotional and it's all adorable and you clearly need your baby to be super happy all the time. 

I remember when we were registering for Will there were so many things that we "thought" we needed that it turned out we just... didn't. We learned this either by trial and error, common sense, or anecdotes from other moms that had been before us. Over the course of the last 3 years, I've come up with a list of what I think are some of the most overrated baby items and submit them for consideration to moms everywhere, in no particular order...

Nursery Decorations & Bedding: When we were registering while we were pregnant with Will, a big point of contention was what we were going to decorate the room in. Colors, patterns, whatever. We finally decided on monkeys and palm trees, landing on the pattern of "Ahoy Mate" from NoJo. Now - what we forgot in this process were all the things they tell you NOT to do to avoid SIDS. No big blankets. No crib bumpers. No toys in the crib. So we of course registered for the $180 bedding set and the $50 mobile. Let me be clear - this is ALL for the parent just so you can have a pretty nursery. The kid 1) can't use most of the stuff and 2) doesn't give a rip about the mobile. By the time your kid is old enough to care, they're not even going to want their bedroom decorated the way you made it anyways. We just transitioned our son from his crib to a toddler bed, and all he wanted in there was Mickey Mouse and Thomas the Tank Engine. They go really well with the monkey & palm tree $70 lettering on his wall from Etsy. Bottom line: you can seriously get suckered into overpaying to decorate your nursery for no reason other than you feel like you decorated a nursery. Is it really worth it?

Baby Food Makers/Prep Items: Way to go, marketing people in the baby product market. You have managed to make parents who already own blenders, food processors, "Magic Bullets", and immersion sticks think that they need yet another thing in their kitchen that does the same thing as what they already have. Oh, but you have special containers? That's wonderful. People - I made my kids their own baby food. Boiled carrots, peas, broccoli, mixed vegetables, sweet potatoes... all sorts of things. I used standard pots and pans, a Cuisinart blender that we got when we got married and a couple of ice cube trays we had laying around. I stored the cubes in Ziploc freezer bags. Don't waste your money or precious registry space on a "Baby Bullet" or whatever other food prep system is out there. It's just a marketing ploy BECAUSE THEY CAN.

She told me she was horribly offended I didn't make her veggies in a Baby Bullet.
I told her when she got a job she could tell me how to make her food.

Diaper Pails: People swear by these things and we had one too. We had the Munchkin Arm & Hammer version of the pail because the refills were cheapest and it used baking soda - a tried and true odor removing tool - to keep the smell of the diapers at a minimum. The thing broke on us 9 months into our first kid. Now, the fine folks at Munchkin were kind enough to send us another one for zero dollars (side note - ALWAYS contact the company of your product if it breaks within a year or you lose parts... they'll often send you replacements, coupons, etc. for free), but then that one broke too due to the same design flaw about 1 month into kid 2. We went back and forth between buying a Diaper Champ (some friends had one that used just regular bags and didn't need refills) or just throwing the diapers away. What we learned: at the end of the day, we were emptying the diaper pail anyways - so why not just throw it in the garbage can under the sink? We also learned that most of our friends who had diaper pails were doing the same thing anyways. "But what about when it smells horrible at 2:00 PM?" Well... baking soda is cheap. I dump some on the trash and the smell goes minimizes. Save your money - just use grocery bags, baking soda, and your regular trash can.

Seriously guys... don't bother. So not worth it.

Wipe Warmers: I had a friend who registered for one of these once and my reaction was "Really? That's a thing?" I can't even begin to explain what a waste of shelf space I think these things are. In a society that I think kids are already too coddled, we now need to warm up the things that wipe turd off their rear ends? Seriously? I must be the worst parent ever because I would never even consider having one of these things in my home. I don't get warm wipes every time I deliver a number two, why should I start training my kids to think that warmth and soothing is going to ensue when they make a poopie in their diaper? Forget that. Toughen up, kids. You'll get room temperature wipes and you'll like it.

Three years of regular wiping - and still fine.

Diaper Bags: If I could get back the literal hours of deliberation that went into choosing what diaper bag to put on our registry, we could have gone on three more pre-kid dates. An extra day of pre-kid vacation. We registered for not one, but TWO diaper bags - one for me and one for Steve - and by the time Will was 9 months old Steve's had a rip in it and I wasn't even using mine anymore. I ended up using a regular messenger bag for a while and then when the second kid showed up and I needed both hands, I started to use the same backpack that I had used for the 2 years prior to having kids. My honest advice for diaper bags: just get a good backpack or messenger bag or large purse that you'll actually USE and are COMFORTABLE with. You're going to be carrying this thing with you everywhere for at least 2 years - more if you have more than one kid. Make it something that is actually you and not something you think you need to have. It's just a bag.

See that backpack? It's traveled with me since 2011. Old Faithful.

Runners Up: Receiving Blankets & Bottle Warmers: What I learned about receiving blankets is this: the ones they give you in the hospital are much bigger than the ones you get at the store. We had like, 3 different brands and could swaddle our kid in NONE of them (both of our kids hated the "Swaddle-Me" things, which are AWESOME, but just not their thing). We got a tip from a pediatric nurse about these waffle blankets that are stretchy and swaddle great. Our kids strongly preferred to be swaddled in those AND they use still now. Receiving blankets in our house turned into back-up burpcloths (which you can never have enough of). And bottle warmers... my mom always just used a cup of warm water. Maybe I have no leg to stand on because my kids weren't really bottle fed (one refused and the other just drank her rare bottle cold), but this seems like another thing "the industry" came up with that our parents did just fine without.

Look, I know that some of you out there reading this are thinking "Man I swear by my (fill in item from above) - it's totally NOT overrated". And that's OKAY - I repeat my earlier statement that everything is different for every kid/family/parent/situation. This is what I came away from my first couple of years parenting and my experience with and it's the answer I give to the question "What items did you not buy/would you not buy again and why?".

Weddings, funerals - and babies. It's where they know they can hit your wallet and convince you that you need things you just don't. Save your money and registry space - you're going to need the diapers.

In fact... in hindsight, that's what I would have asked for instead of some of the things I got above that I "really wanted and needed". A giant. Pile. Of. Diapers.

Thoughts on Bringing Babies to Walt Disney World

I am a nervous person.

I try not to let it show, but I am. In fact, it's part of why I ended up experiencing a bout of mild post-partum depression after our son was born - I was nervous to go just about anywhere because he might cry/need to nurse/do anything that wasn't sleeping. It's part of what sometimes makes me a "wet blanket" - I play out the many scenarios of whatever it is and decide it's better to just avoid it rather than risk anything bad happening.

I'm a nervous person.

So when faced with the idea of heading to Walt Disney World with a still-nursing infant and a toddler, complete with their needs for scheduled naps and constant diaper changes - you can imagine that I took some time to pause and really think about whether or not it was a good idea. After talking with some friends of ours that went when their youngest daughter was 9 months old and doing a bit of research, we decided to book the trip.

Yeah, I was still a little nervous.

I did lots of research into what parks were best for toddlers, I bought bathing suits, I did a mental fit of all of our luggage PLUS the double stroller (because like heck I wasn't bringing the portable nap mobile), I way overpacked clothes for the kids and ordered half of a month's worth of diapers to be delivered.

And I was still nervous... and excited. As time passed I became excited for our son who LOVES Mickey Mouse and all the Finding Nemo characters, and continued to stay nervous about our 10-month old daughter who would be just as happy staying home for a week with a cupboard full of pots as she would be going to Walt Disney World.

It turned out that bringing our infant daughter to Disney was a lot more fun and easier than I was anticipating. Here are a few of the reasons why.

1. She was Free. Kids under the age of 3 do not have to pay for admission into the parks nor do they have to pay for a plate at a buffet. As far as the buffet goes - joke was on Disney there, since she eats as much as I do some days - but that's besides the point. At any rate, since it costs about $100 to get into a Walt Disney World park for a day and anywhere from $25-60/person to eat at a buffet - this cost savings was nothing to sneeze at. Incidentally, since Will isn't quite 3 yet this applied to him as well. This made us feel better about Evie not doing much in the parks or eating as much as an older kid because we didn't pay for her - so we clearly got our value.

Meeting the characters is something that our baby girl loved - not all babies will be as willing to check these guys out though, and in fact Evie wasn't at first either. But you never know - so give it a whirl!

2. So Much to See! Babies LOVE bright colors, music, things that light up and blink and move, and new things/places to explore. Everywhere we went was something new to see, and for our little Evie girl who LOVES music there was always a new show to see or music to hear/dance to. Even some of the longer shows like Finding Nemo: The Musical or Festival of the Lion King were great for Evie because there was enough to see and enough that changed that it kept her attention for the majority of the performance. I'll admit that entertainment of the baby and boredom were things I was worried about - and it turned out that this wasn't an issue either.

3. The Amenities. Every single restroom was equipped with a changing table, and for the first time ever we were out in public and Steve didn't mind taking the kids to the men's room for diaper changes. Why? Because he was blown away by the fact that they were immaculate - at least in the changing area (seriously, he's complained to management at restaurants before because their changing area in the men's room was horrendous). As if that wasn't enough - every park has the wonderful accommodations of a Baby Center. These are spots that have a big, clean changing area, a quiet nursing room, a spot where your kids can take a timeout and relax, and a sort of gift-shop full of baby-related items incase you find you have run out (think diapers, formula, changes of clothes, etc.). For me this was amazing because Evie still nurses twice during the day; it gave me a place I could just nurse her without distractions or needing to find a discreet place to whip out the old milkbag and feed the babe.

The Baby Center at Epcot. Clean, well stocked. I was impressed.

4. The Cast Members are There to Help. I cannot say enough about how patient, kind, loving, and understanding the Cast Members were when it came to Evie. The Character Spot at Epcot "technically" doesn't want you to bring your stroller through and will move it to the end of the line for you to pick up. As soon as I told them there was a sleeping baby in the stroller - they had big smiles and let me keep the stroller (as long as they could peek at the sleeping baby first to coo over her). Hyper baby at dinner? Server will bring you an empty cup and lid for her to play with - as well as 15 spoons to replace the ones she will inevitably throw on the floor. Need help getting on or off a ride with the baby in your arms because your spouse is chasing the other one? Cast Members will help you there too. I have always been impressed with Disney's staff, but bringing my kids to "The World" really gave me a deeper appreciation for how willing they are to help.

But... In full disclosure I have to say that there was one thing that was kind of a pain but completely understandable. I mentioned in my post about traveling with little ones that our double stroller was the single most useful tool that I brought with us. Having said that, it also turned out to be our biggest inconvenience. A lot of the places in the parks require that you leave your stroller outside of the building/attraction before entering. It's totally a space thing (and you'll understand that once you see the sea of strollers at various locations throughout the parks), but sometimes I wasn't mentally prepared for needing to unload the kiddos. The Cast Members that oversee the stroller parking, however, have it down to a science. As people leave, they move strollers down to fill the empty spaces and have steel trap memories for where they move them to. They chase down birds that try to take up residence in stroller buckets and make sure that no one is stealing things (like lunches and backpacks) from strollers that aren't theirs.

I had to disrupt a nap on more than one occasion... annoying, but necessary. Learn from me and plan appropriately.

So I guess the stroller thing was really a minor inconvenience and at the end of the day it's not like I wouldn't have brought the stroller even if I knew that. It's just one of those things you need to plan for, just like everything else that comes along with bringing a baby anywhere that's not... well... home.

I'll say this - when we left, I realized how silly I was to be nervous about bringing Evie down to Walt Disney World. It was seriously easier to bring an infant and toddler to Disney for a week - for me - than it was to bring them both to the beach for a day. It turned out to be one of the best experiences we've had so far since we've had the kids, and it made me excited to see how much more they both enjoy about WDW as they grow. If you're hesitant about bringing your little ones, let me reassure you - as our friends reassured us - that it is well worth going when they're little. Let them be little, let them explore, let them wonder, and enjoy watching them take it all in.

Having Faith, Always Praying

We sat with Nana in her dining room, all looking quietly at my newborn son. She shook her head, sighed, smiled, and looked at me like she was going to say something before stopping to look at the baby again. 

"You know," she said after a brief moment passed, "I just don't understand how people can look at babies, new babies, and not believe that there's a God."

Steve and I looked at each other before responding; she had no idea what truth she spoke in our lives that day. 

"Yeah, Nana. I know. Babies are miracles," I quietly said. 

Steve nodded in agreement before also responding. "That they are..."

What she didn't know was that for us, William was an answer to prayers. Prayers spoken, prayers unspoken, prayers on our hearts and minds for quite some time. I had been told that due to a medical condition I had, the best chance we would have of getting pregnant would be immediately after coming off of birth control. When it didn't happen in the first two months, I assumed that God's answer was that we would not be having children and I quietly came to terms with that. After all, sometime's God's response to our prayers is a no.

But then two more months later... we saw two lines on our pregnancy test. 

Will & Mommy (Photo credit RLPhoto, 2012)

I found out several months later that while my husband sat in a lecture at a conference about a professor that videotaped his son's first two years of life to analyze how we learn communicate, he prayed that someday - despite the odds - that we could experience that wonder ourselves. That we could watch our own child learn, grow, develop, explore in those early years. 

I had written off the idea and silently dealt with my disappointment to a prayer I incorrectly thought had been answered no, trusting that God had plans. Steve held on to hope and asked God for a child. 

We were already two or three weeks pregnant when Steve prayed that prayer and had no inkling. Two weeks later we saw those two lines on our pregnancy test. 

For us, William was truly a miracle. William was a blessing that not only enriched our family, but expanded our trust in God's plans for our lives. William taught us to never stop praying boldly for those things we feel urging us strongly in our hearts. William taught us - and continues to teach us - more about God and faith than anything other experience we have ever encountered. 

"I just don't understand how people can look at babies... and not believe there is a God."

Steve and I are in a season right now where we have really felt God moving in our lives via answered prayers. Some of the answers haven't been immediate - but some have. We've had medical issues that looked to be very concerning in our house that have turned out to be minor and manageable after we've prayed endlessly to God about them. We have had decisions to make that after praying about them felt like we were being pulled in a certain direction, and have had situations appear that have confirmed we followed God's lead for where we were going. We have felt Him move in our marriage in ways we haven't before. 

We have friends who literally have hundreds of people praying for them after they went into pre-term labor 5 weeks ago at 28 weeks. At 33 weeks & 2 days, she still hasn't delivered and is leaving the doctors thinking she's a complete mystery. 

The works of God so often are just that - a mystery. And if the fact that she's still incubating isn't a powerful testimony to the power of prayer - I don't know what is.

This summer, Steve and I decided that we were ready to have baby number two. Sometime in mid-July, as we sat in bed talking with God in our nightly prayer, Steve said "God, I think we're ready for another kid. If that's Your will, we're ready for it." I squeezed his hand, and soon after we said "Amen". 

It was never mentioned again. We just let God know - we're ready if You are. Your call, God.

As the math worked out... not long after that, a week or maybe two, we became pregnant with our Little One. Twenty-three(ish) weeks from now, sometime next April, we'll be welcoming a new Baby Athanas into our home. 

Little One at 14(ish) weeks - Due April 2014!

Another miracle. 

Another answered prayer. 

Trust that God has our best interests, that He has plans for us. That He hears our prayers. Pray boldly, pray constantly, trust in His answers. 

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for." (1 John 14-15, NLT)

Baby Applesauce Mini Muffins

Our son Will is 16 months old and is getting to the age where he doesn't want Mommy to feed him anymore. This means that trying to feed him the infant cereal in the mornings has gotten... interesting. I've been putting a little in a bowl with a spoon for him to "feed" himself while I give him the rest, but that doesn't always catch his attention. He wants to do it himself. While I want to embrace this independence, I want him to continue getting as much of the nutrition that the baby cereal offers for as long as reasonably possible.

This in mind, I recently went on a hunt for things to use the baby cereal as an ingredient in. The problem that I was running into was that a lot of the recipes I found for things like cookies or muffins had added sugar in them in addition to whatever fruits or vegetables they were adding in as well. One recipe even added molasses on top of the sugar (and bananas and another fruit).

The last thing I think my energetic toddler needs is more sugar.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and played around with a couple of different ideas. What I ended up with ultimately are these applesauce mini muffins. They use 7 ingredients of which NONE of them are sugar, are all usually found in my house, and for the most part are things that I would be feeding him anyways.

Baby Applesauce Mini Muffins 

(makes about 20 muffins)

Ingredients*:
- 1/2 cup Baby Cereal (I used Earth's Best Multigrain cereal)
- 1/2 cup plain flour
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 1 tsp cinnamon (optional)
- 1 large egg
- 1/2 cup applesauce
- 1/3 cup + 2 tbsp whole milk

Method:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Spray mini-muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray.
- In a larger bowl, combine cereal, flour, baking powder, and cinnamon.
- In a smaller bowl, combine egg, applesauce, and milk until egg is well beaten.
- Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir until well combined.
- Put the batter into the muffin tin and bake for 10-13 minutes (or until a toothpick inserted comes out cleanly).
- Put on cooling rack or plate and allow to cool completely before serving.

I am a firm believer of not feeding anything to my son without trying it myself first, so I made sure I tried one of these before giving him one. They are actually pretty good! These little muffins are incredibly moist even when cooked through. After they cooled, I put them in an airtight baggie in our fridge and I expect them to keep for a few days (maybe 4 or so), so the next time I make them I will try freezing half the batch to see how they fare in the freezer.

But did they pass the ultimate test?

Our little man ate 3 of these yesterday and one so far today. He shoves it in his mouth as soon as I hand him and devours it. I'd say that they're kid-worthy.

*These are not dairy or egg free. I have not tried cooking these with egg substitute or soy/almond/rice milk. If you DO try to make these with substitutions, please leave a comment and let me know how it works out for you! Would love to hear (and you never know, our next kid might have an allergy I'll need to work with)!

First Year Mommy Lessons

It's amazing how quickly a year will fly by when you're not paying a truckload of attention. A little over a year ago, I had started to need to take sick time leading up to Will's birth due to various end-of-pregnancy ailments - not the least of which was a good case of double carpal tunnel and a sudden spike in blood pressure before my due date (5/4/12). A year ago tomorrow I spent the better part of 24 hours collecting my urine in a jug (weird things people need to keep in their fridge sometimes...) so that the lab could determine if the high blood pressure was affecting various things. Not that the collection mattered since they induced on my due date anyways and our awesome son Will was born 2 days later.

Sure I'm biased... but ain't he cute?

May 6, 2012? Best. Day. Ever.

At any rate, my first year as a mom has been quite the emotional learning experience. I was reflecting on some of these things this morning while Will was napping and I thought I would share them with you here. These are in no particular order and certainly not the only things I've learned... just some I thought worth sharing.

You'll Find Creative Ways to Say "No"

As Will started to become more mobile and get into more and more things, I found myself saying the words "No, Will, please" more... and more... and more often. Right around the time this was starting to become my default statement it seemed like, I read something that while you're trying to help your child shape his world that you should come up with various new ways to redirect them to other things. So sure, I still say "No", but I've also found ways to get my point across in other ways. Words like "Please don't grab at your penis" (during diaper changes) and "Down, baby, poop is yucky" (when he's pulling up on the diaper pail) and "Move! Hot! Ouchies!" (obvious here) in firm tones have started to enter into my daily routine as well. I'm also starting to get great at saying "yes" instead of "no"; when Will's heading for something that's a "no", I'll find a "yes" then pick him up, move him over to it, and start getting excited about how great it is. ("Down, baby, poop is yucky... but look! It's a pan lid! It makes NOISE! AWESOME!")

Moving on...

Shopping Takes Longer

Going to the grocery store, for me, used to be a stress reliever. Seriously. I LOVE going to the grocery store. With Will, I still love going out to the stores to get errands done but I have found that it does take longer - and he's not even walking yet. I get stopped by old ladies and store clerks who want to goo-goo over my kid (I'm past the "don't touch him" phase, but I still wash his hands... still weird... I don't touch them randomly...). Random people who have kids and grandkids will ask what milestone he's at and then convey some story about their now adult children and when they did things. Sometimes a diaper change will need to take place in order to keep the Peanut happy. The reasons vary, but the truth of the matter is that I need to plan to add at least a 15-20 minute buffer any time I go out shopping now. I don't mind it, I still enjoy shopping, but it's just different now.

Dinner is an Olympic Sport

I love cooking. I love to get in the kitchen, take my time, create a meal with the ingredients in my fridge & pantry, and present the end results for consumption. These days, however, dinner needs to be planned out, paced out, and rarely has the time or space for creativity. I have a 60-90 minute window from the time that Steve gets home and we start Will's bedtime routine to get dinner on the table, feed Will (which can sometimes be an event in and of itself), get dinner off the table, and clean the kitchen. Oh, and sometimes I even get to hang out with the boys for a few minutes. I am blessed in that I have a husband who has recognized that dinner time has now become an Olympic event and has jumped into the process to help it run a bit smoother (he'll often clean up most of the kitchen while I finish feeding Will), but man oh man... Monday-Friday dinner is C-R-A-Z-Y most days.

That Kids' Song? You Have a Favorite Version...

I never realized that there was more than one version of some of the old kids' songs I sang in elementary school. Songs like "The Wheels on the Bus", "Down By the Bay", and even "The Alphabet Song". I have a Pandora account, and when I found out I was pregnant I set up a kids' station and started to shape it with various songs like the ones I just mentioned. Working full-time, I didn't pay a truckload of attention to it because really... when you're selling airplane parts it doesn't matter that when Mother Duck quacked that no little ducks came waddling back. However, now that I'm home I pay a lot more attention to the songs that come on while I sing along to them with - or I guess for at this point - Will. So yes, I am here to say that I have a favorite version of most kids' songs right now. I especially have a favorite version of "Five Little Monkeys" called "No More Monkeys" by Asheba. It's great. Seriously.

Now you can have it in your head for days! I love this version. Seriously. 

Being a Parent is Seriously Like Nothing Else Ever

If you're pregnant with your first child and you're reading this, you need to know that everyone who finds out you're pregnant is going to tell you that it is the best thing that will ever happen to you. They'll stress "No, seriously, it's awesome" like you don't believe them. I can assure you that it's not that they think that you don't believe them. The reason, I've discovered, for this additional emphasis on the awesomeness of being a parent is because it's virtually impossible to put into words how awesome it really is. Sure, there are days that can be incredibly frustrating and moments when you just want to crawl and hide. What I've learned, however, is that watching as this person - who did NOT EXIST before and that YOU NURTURED INSIDE YOUR BODY - grows and becomes more and more independent, more and more autonomous, and more and more a person unto themselves is the most rewarding, unspeakably amazing experience I've ever had. Being Will's Mommy has single-handedly clouded over most other experiences I've had. Being a parent alongside Steve while we raise this little person into - eventually, and faster than I'd prefer - into a little man is the single biggest blessing we've ever received.

There really is nothing else like it in the world.

I am wrapping this up as I hear his babbles come over the monitor as he wakes up from his second nap on the day. I'm going to go get him and spend some time with him like I do every afternoon when he wakes up. These are moments to cherish... I don't want to miss any.

It's Not That Easy Being...

How many of us have ever heard an adult say the following (or something similar) to a baby in response to said baby either whining, crying, protesting, etc.:

"Oh, I know... life is so hard to be a baby!"

Heck, I know that I have said it myself. Will starts whining and for a while my response was "I know! Life is so hard! People hug you and hold you and change you and take you everyplace! I know!"

Then one day it hit me - life probably IS hard when you're a baby.

Let's think about this briefly. Pretend you're a baby. You've just spent the last nine months in the best, most comfortable hot tub ever. Then you are forcefully evicted from your home - either by being violently shoved or dramatically pulled out of your mother - and immediately exposed to a much colder, less comfortable environment than you were just in. You now need to figure out how to eat when previously you just magically got your nutrition, and you need to depend on someone else to make sure you are constantly warm and cozy. Nevermind the fact that in order to get rid of any waste you take in, you have to deposit it into this pseudo-cotton pad that you hope someone notices is full at any given moment.

And that's just what you encounter in your first 30 minutes of life...

As you continue on, you soon come across many other things that impede your progress in this big, bright new world. Let's start with the fact that it's big and bright; your eyes are not yet ready to take in everything that's out there so you spend most of your time squinting, with your eyes shut, or glazed over. The people who are your primary caregivers do not yet understand what you mean when you say "WAAAAH!" versus "waaaah...", and you have not yet deciphered what their incredibly complex language is either. You have zero body strength and control so you can't: move, sit, stand, turn your head, grab at things... you name it, you can't do it yet.

Talk about frustrating.

You grow and as months go by you learn new skills that get you closer and closer to where you want to be. However, as you realize that there is more - because you're watching these people who call themselves "Mommy" and "Daddy" doing all SORTS of cool things you can't do - you get increasingly frustrated. You don't have the trunk strength to sit up like they do, you don't have the upper body strength or the lower body co-ordination to crawl and get your toys, and because your digestive system can't handle it yet - never mind the fact that you have no teeth - you can't eat the awesome looking things that everyone else gets to eat.

Seriously, guys. I can't reach my elephant. Can you... ok... nevermind.

No worries though. You shall express your jealousy by grabbing everything humanly possible and covering it in slobber. If that's not enough, when that "Daddy" fellow decides it's a good time to play that "airplane" game, you'll let a huge drop of drool release from your lips and land somewhere on his face. Preferably up his nose or right in that gaping, laughing mouth.

That'll teach him to lift you in the air.

Anyways... you finally are able to start speaking and no one knows what you're talking about. How do these morons NOT know that "Bah-bah-a-bay-a-wah" means "Please hand me that block that makes the cool jingle noise"? Or that "A-gay-wah-wah-boooo" means "I'm about to take a huge crap, don't act surprised"? Never mind that when they FINALLY start to give you some of that yummy-looking food they're eating, they start you off with some bland cereal and PEAS. Seriously??? Why not Indian food and cheesecake like you got in utero?

Let's not even get into the fact that they put your cape on backwards when they feed you this "food".

I think you get my point. When you really think about it, being a baby is probably more difficult than we give it credit for. This dawned on me when Will was about 3 months old; I don't remember what it was that prompted me to realize this, but since that moment I have stopped saying "I know, buddy. It's so HARD to be a baby"... at least without acknowledging that you know what - it probably is.

Sure, at some point in time the same baby who we patronizingly tell that it's so "HARD" to be a baby will probably say the same thing to their own kids. We don't realize it as adults, I think, because the idea of people waiting on our every need while we lounge around playing with toys is incredibly appealing when placed against the backdrop of our 8-5 jobs and 1-hour commutes.

But I challenge you to take a moment and think of all the things you can do that you take for granted - like having the ability to lean over and grab something without smacking your face on the floor or eating food without needing to think about chewing. These are things that babies are in process of learning so that they one day can join the ranks of the autonomous. After you've thought of these things, take a moment the next time you look at a baby - especially yours - and appreciate where they're at.

I can almost guarantee that you will look at them in wonder when they finally figure out how to lean over to pick something up from a sitting position - and manage to sit back up again.