Lies, Guilt, Freedom, and Love

When we found out that we were pregnant with our second child, I immediately started to pray for another son. I just felt like my heart was wired to have 2 boys, that God did not wire me to be the mom of a daughter, and that having that extra person to wrestle with  - especially during the hours of the day that Daddy is at work - for my firstborn would be absolutely perfect.

At 16 weeks, we had an ultrasound done due to some complications I was experiencing with the pregnancy. I told the technician that I knew that sometimes at 16 weeks you could tell the gender, and that if anything was obvious she didn't have to hide it from us because in 2 weeks we were going to find out anyways. There was a point in which she stopped the wand and pointed out on the monitor something she thought she saw: "Look at this," she said pointing at the screen. "Now, it's early to tell, but that certainly does look like something doesn't it? But don't start decorating yet, wait until your next ultrasound because I could be wrong."

I didn't start decorating - but I did start picking out and discussing names with my husband. Names like "Matthew" and "Xander" and "Dexter" and other names that you call a boy. I was over the moon with excitement because we were going to have another little boy! ANOTHER BOY! I was going to be one of those Moms of Boys who were always lamenting the troubles of having boys - but I was never going to lament, because BOYS!!!

Evie - 12/2013 ultrasound

Two weeks later, the full workup ultrasound happened. While my incredibly active baby flipped and flopped and the tech somehow managed to get all of the measurements she needed, she looked also for the gender indicator.

"Right there!" she declared. I looked and saw nothing. Nothing at all. Two chunky little spread eagle thighs that she had frozen on the screen.

"Right there what?"

"You're having a little girl! Look at that, see - one, two, three - those three little lines show me that you're having a girl."

...and my heart sank. There would be no "Matthew Dexter" puttering around my house (it was the name I had decided on even though there had been no agreement yet with my other half). There would be no addition of testosterone to the fold.

I feigned excitement. "Cool! A girl!" I said (or something like that). I buried my disappointment and just prayed that the remainder of the pregnancy go well, that the hematoma I had would resolve itself and cause no harm on my little girl. We prayed over a name for her and scoured baby name books (because we didn't like any of the family names we had as first names for a daughter) and waited. At 28 weeks or so - the day before we found out the hematoma had indeed resolved itself - we landed on the name Evangeline, which means "bearer of good news".

Yet here I was, disappointed that I had a daughter growing in my belly. And the first few months of her life she just cried - the child that refused to believe she was a baby, was stubborn and independent and determined from the day she was born. Not only had God given me a daughter - He had given me a daughter that was every mother's wish to their own children: she was just like me.

Somewhere around Evie's first birthday as her personality was really starting to form and that independence was forming into an active, bouncing, exploring toddler who was the best companion her big brother could have ever asked for... the guilt set in.

How could I have EVER questioned God's judgment in giving us a daughter? What kind of mother am I to have been disappointed with any sort of healthy child growing inside me - especially when I didn't think I could have one successful pregnancy, never mind two? What would my daughter say if she ever found out that I was disappointed that SHE is my child and that I didn't get a "yes" answer to my prayers of another boy? Why would I think that anyone other than who God gifted to our family would be a better friend and sibling to Will than our Evie-girl? 

I spent the next year wrestling with this guilt, this doubt of my worth as a mother in ever questioning the gift of my bright, bold, loving, loquacious, adorable, wonderful daughter. Anyone who has ever dealt with "Mom-Guilt" or "Parent-Guilt" knows that it can be some of the heaviest, most self-doubt creating, horrible brands of guilt that exists. It's like the glitter of emotions; once it covers something or enters your heart, it's near impossible to get rid of it - and when you think it might be gone you find more that's even more impossible to remove than the glitter you thought you already got rid of.

There were a few times that I would be watching my daughter in some sort of moment, something that was showing how she was growing and developing into this absolutely wonderful little person, and I would feel that gut-punch of guilt again at the doubt I had when she was still in-utero. So many times I would hold back tears because the guilt would come out of nowhere, in a wave, and I wouldn't know how to contain it.

Then one night as I was making dinner somewhere around my sweet Evangeline's seccond birthday, my guilt seeped through enough that my husband saw that something was wrong. I confessed to him these waves of guilt I would feel, that I hated that part myself for ever doubting God's plan in our daughter, that I wished I had never felt that way.

"D," he said, "I think it's time to let that go. Do you love your daughter?"

"Well... yeah, of course, I mean... look at her - she's Evie."

"Then? Let it go, D. You know God has. And I don't ever doubt that you love her. So? Let it go."

We prayed together that night about it. I prayed about it for a while after that and I know that Steve did too. I know this because at some point the guilt just... disappeared. I hadn't noticed it at all, but it had just withered away and disappeared like dust on a windy day. There was no second thought about it until the other day when I was laughing and giggling with my Evie on the couch and I got this overwhelming wave of emotion - but it wasn't guilt. It was joy, it was wonder, it was love. Then again a few days later as I listened to her telling me a story in a language structure that no 2.5-year-old should have yet. Joy, wonder, and love.

These moments kept happening again and again and again. Joy. Wonder. Love. Joy. Wonder. Love. It was during one of these moments that it hit me: the guilt was gone.

God had taken the guilt off of my shoulders and opened my eyes to the wondrous gift of our little girl. He removed that weight of self-doubt and instead opened my heart to experience that which He wants all parents to experience with children. Joy. Wonder. Love.

In that realization I felt so much freedom. Freedom to enjoy my daughter, to focus on building my relationship with her, freedom to experience the joy of having a daughter and the freedom that comes with having confidence that God's plan is indeed better than any plan we could imagine. 
Moms... Dads... Parents... we all experience guilt in our parenting, am I right? Sometimes we snap at our kids when we lose our patience or we forget about something that we said we would do or we don't pay as much attention as we feel like we should or whatever other list of things we beat ourselves up over in any given moment or day or week. We forget to have grace with ourselves, to remember that we are human and imperfect, that we will never be able to be one of those fictional parents that have been created by society as the flag-bearer of perfection in parenting.

We also forget that when parent-guilt sets in, when we start to experience self-doubt, when we hear those whisperings that we have somehow failed and that because of that failure we cannot be the parent God has called us to be - we forget that those words, those feelings do not come from God. We forget that those are lies, that those feelings are not the truth, that those are things that come from the Enemy. John 8:44 tells us of Satan that "...He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding on to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he speaks, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." 

Lies of self-doubt are not of God. There are plenty of kinds of healthy guilt that DO indeed come from God - but that weighty, paralyzing, self-doubting, inescapably burdensome guilt is not. That is not the kind of guilt meant to make us grow, to repent from our sin and become closer to Him. Rather, that is is the kind of guilt that further divides us from God and brings us off of the path He has set for our lives. We need to be able to recognize when our guilt - especially that horrible parent-guilt - is not of God so that we can pray, combat it, and be released from it. Only then will we be able to hear the Holy Spirit work in our hearts and do the work in our parenting that God has called us to do.

Evangeline - "bearer of good news".

And here I thought that good news she brought with her was just that we chose her name the same time that the hematoma was one... turns out it was so, so much more than that.

Joy. Wonder. Love.

Book Review: Every Day with God (A VeggieTales Book)

**Contest is closed and we have a winner!! Stephy has been notified - please stay tuned for future contests and read the review below for information on how to get a copy of this wonderful devotional!**

About a year ago, I started a search for a bedtime devotional that I could read with my son. I looked through bookstores, I searched online, I asked other moms... what I found were some really cute, really engaging devotionals for children but nothing that really fit my son's personality.

So when the opportunity came up to review the Every Day with God: 365 Devos for Boys (or Girls) VeggieTales daily devotional book - I took the opportunity. Will has recently gotten a bit more interested in VeggieTales thanks to some music CD's and Spotify streaming music we've been listening to, so I thought that this might be a good way to engage him a bit more in the process.

Turned out it did.

The devotionals are short (only about a paragraph long), use simple language that kids can understand, and ask easy questions which is perfect for the 4-year-old who is trying to calm down at bedtime. Each one has a scripture presented in a translation that makes it easy for my kiddo to relate to it and a prayer starter that is a great segue into the nightly prayers that we were already doing together. There are illustrations on each page that repeat throughout the book of one of the VeggieTales characters, but they're cute and it gives my son something to look at besides words.

Another added bonus to the way the book is presented: the first letter of each devotional is larger than the rest, bold, and a different color from the rest of the text. Whenever I've read with my son, the first thing he does on the page is point out the letter and either identify it or ask what it is, repeat it, and then we make the sound together. As if the simple language and easy questions weren't enough, the simple format of the page makes it another great tool for engaging your preschooler in conversation.

Kids feel that they need to identify with things, and my kids have decided that one of the things that will define them is their gender. The first thing that Will ever said he wanted to be when he grew up was "a man", and so I was not surprised that he became very possessive of the devotional when I told him it was a "for boys" devotional. Having said that - do not be fooled by the title; if you decide to purchase or receive one of these as a gift or, oh, I don't know, win one in a blog giveaway and you have kids of multiple genders in your home - worry not. The devotionals themselves are as gender neutral as they can get; they have a key scripture, a discussion of how the scripture applies to and can be lived out in their lives, and a prayer starter. This could make it a great devotional for a family devotional time as well if your kids are all younger and not quite into the "well that's my thing and this is their thing" possessiveness phase yet. I cannot speak for the "for Girls" version of the devotional as I haven't seen it personally, but I would imagine it's quite similar in its format and delivery.

The best thing about this - or any devotional book really - is that it allows the parent to sit and pray and talk about God with your child. Very quickly my son wanted to have his devotional and prayer time by himself with whatever parent was putting him to bed and we had to separate out each kid's prayer and devotional time. It's brief, but even that 5-10 minutes with your child talking about God, praying, and spending 1-on-1 time together can have such an impact longer term.

Or... so I've been told. I mean, my kids are only 4 and 2, but I've heard that longer-term impact is achieved by early beginnings.

All of that to say - I definitely recommend this devotional if you've got little ones at home. The recommended ages from the publisher say ages 4-7, and I would agree. My son doesn't answer the questions very in-depth now when we read, but I can imagine that over the next couple of years as we go through and restart every year his answers will change, mature, and have different insights that are age appropriate. Definitely click on the links at the end of this post to check it out if you're looking for a simple, approachable, and engaging devotional for your family (that's also reasonably priced! $10 or less!).

OR...

You could enter to win your own copy!! Entry is VERY simple. All you have to do is...

1. Share this post on Twitter or Facebook and comment below that you did.
2. "Like" this post on Facebook or Twitter and comment below that you did.
3. Comment below with your favorite daily devotional or scripture or ritual that gets you through the daily grind. 

That's up to 3 entries per person to win your very own copy of this adorable devotional for your kiddo or a family with little ones as a gift. Go on and enter! Winner will receive a copy from FlyBy Promotions of EITHER devotional - "for Boys" or "for Girls" - you just have to let me know when I announce the winner.

UPDATE - DEADLINE EXTENDED!! Contest will be open until 12:00 AM on Wednesday, October 12 and winner will be announced no later than 12:00 AM on Friday, October 14 on my blog's Facebook page. I'll contact the winner as well. 

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Links for your reference: 

Every Day with God: 365 Daily Devotionals for Boys

Every Day with God: 365 Daily Devotionals for Girls

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"Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the
Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”): Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post. Only one entrant per mailing address, per giveaway.  If you have won a prize from our sponsor Propeller / FlyBy Promotions in the last 30 days, you are not eligible to win.  Or if you have won the same prize on another blog, you are not eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.”

Leave My Dreams, It's Not Your Heart

"Why are you here? Why won't you leave me alone?"

"I just want to make things better between us. Can't we be friends..."

He leaned in closer to my face and I could feel every hair on my body stand on end with fear. The last thing I wanted in that moment was for him to kiss me. Why can't he ever just disappear forever? Why does he keep coming back? I took several steps backwards and could feel my stomach wretch with anxiety...

"Please..."

"I am married. Why can't you understand that? Just leave me alone. Please!!!"

"I just..."

I reached out and shoved him away, feeling the anger and fear and anxiety dripping along with the tears that ran down my face.

"We can be friends... it's OK..."

He walked closer to me again... Why won't he get the danged picture??? "JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME AL..."

My eyes jerked themselves open as I heard a sweet voice say "Hi, Mommy!" through an inserted pacifier. I was back in my bedroom, my bubbly daughter awake next to me. I looked at the clock - 6:18 AM. Steve must have already gone to... wait. Steve wasn't there, he was away at his annual conference.

Me and my mini-me, having some morning snuggles...

The dream. That's why. I rubbed my eyes and breathed slowly to reset my quickly beating heart, snuggling my giggling daughter and remembering all that God has surrounded me with. I reminded myself with each inhale that it was just a dream and with each exhale that it wasn't real. The recurring dream that I have each time that Steve is away on business - the one where my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago shows up and tries to be a part of my life again. Sometimes he's trying to woo me, sometimes he's trying to just be friend, but always the sentiment is the same.

That he loved me. Never meant to hurt me. That he wants to reconcile. That he wants that part of my heart back. That I was his only love.

In every dream he is the 19-year-old that cheated on me not once, but twice. In every dream he is every bit the sweet-talker that my 14-year-old self couldn't resist and that my 17-year-old self took back and that my 19-year-old self believed his words that he would leave his then wife for me.

In every dream I want nothing more than for him to disappear. In every dream I want to know where my Steve is, because he is never there in these dreams but always missing. In every dream I can feel walls closing in around us, in every dream I am desperately fighting to get back to my present-day reality and begging through tears for my past to go as far away as possible.

After every dream I wake up uneasy. I wake up questioning things I never should be questioning. I wake up with faster heartbeats and quicker breaths, wanting to run back to where I wake up. The place that God has surrounded me with love and reassurance and His grace.

But I can rarely shake that feeling. That feeling that no one can be trusted. It takes days, sometimes weeks. Always Steve is reassuring, because he knows that this part of me causes deep insecurities and he wants me to be whole, to let this part of me die, to be released from it.

Last year after having this dream, I woke up and turned on Steve's iPad to watch some Netflix and try to get back to sleep. It was only 10:00 PM where Steve was, and iMessage sent across a text from a colleague that they should meet up for fries.

The bells went off. Who meets for fries at 10:00 PM? What the heck?

I called Steve and through tears told him about my dream, that I saw the text, and I just needed to hear his voice and know we were OK. Know that my fears were unfounded. Because God has blessed me with a husband who is willing to understand this part of me and help me through it - he stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down.

Then - and those who know my husband's love of condiments will understand this - he went and met some colleagues for fries with blueberry ketchup. Because that's what a condiment lover does when he and his colleagues don't want to get drunk at the after party during a conference.

My awesome, caring husband at his annual nerd conference.

So I lay there with my daughter listening to the hum of the fan and her adorable sweet voice through her pacifier and reminded myself that my husband is faithful. That he promised he would always be faithful from the first time I confessed this part of my soul to him and he has never done anything to demonstrate anything other than fulfilling this promise.

I said a prayer, asking God to help release me from these dreams. To help me finally remove 20 years of scarring and tell that 16-year-old in a heap on the floor of her kitchen, holding a phone in her hand and pouring tears out that it all turns out okay - better than okay, actually.

God, I begged, please... please... please kill this.

A couple of hours later I pulled out my phone and opened my devotional app while the kids finished up their breakfast on the porch. The topic of the day? "The Enemy's Tactic Against You." As I read through the devotional that focused on Genesis 3:1: "Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, 'Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden''?"

I read on and could feel my pulse quickening as the images from the previous night's dream flittered across my memory. I devoured every word of the devotional, and inhaled through my teeth as I read these: "He uses four words: 'Did God really say...?' Maybe you haven't had the enemy slither up next to you in the form of a serpent and speak these words out loud. But I bet he's whispered them into your ear. After all, the enemy's greatest desire is to separate you from God."

I looked out across my yard to the breeze flitting through the trees and up at the outline of morning moon my son was excitedly pointing out. I could feel God's sentiment on my heart: "Danielle... I delivered you through that old life and gave you this life, these kids, your husband. The enemy has taken over this part of your heart - take it back. Do not listen to the whisper of the enemy anymore."

I closed my eyes... "In the name of Jesus... give me my danged heart back. In the name of Jesus, that belongs to my husband, that belongs to my family, that belongs to me, and most importantly that belongs to God. Give it back."

I opened my eyes and my daughter said "Pee-it-boo!" through her wide mouthed grin, and my son laughed.

I felt... relieved. I felt... at home again. I felt... empowered. I felt... full.

That morning when my husband had his video chat good morning with us, it was like fresh air filled my lungs. When he returned home that Friday, it was the first time I didn't feel relieved that he was home but rather felt fully and richly blessed that he had the opportunity to take advantage of this part of his career. I didn't feel on edge and looking for reasons to suspect, and instead have felt nothing but love and happiness and grace and the fullness of God's blessing on my marriage.

Watching for Daddy's car to come up the hill when he got home from the trip.

A few days after Steve got home, this was the key verse in my morning devotional: "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)

For at least the time being - and for the first time in a very long time - I have felt the Enemy release his grip from the part of my heart that was still crying on the kitchen floor of my parents' house hoping her sobs wouldn't wake up her sisters. I have been able to breathe easier for the first time in almost 20 years, having resisted the Devil and watching him flee.

"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:13)

There will come a time when the Enemy will come back, when he will try to take that part of my heart back again, when he will push down that insecure teenager to the floor and laugh as her tears flow. When he will remind her that she's not good enough for a guy to stick around, and that will always be the case.

It will be when that time comes that it will be up to me to put on the armor that God has given to me. It will be up to me to call to Him, to reach up in prayer and use the power that I have been given in the name of Jesus to resist those whispers.

Because the self-destruction of doing anything else just isn't worth it when compared to the beauty that lies in the life that God has gifted to me.

The Question

The questions are endless with a 3-year-old.

"Why did those people hit our mailbox? Can we say sorry to them? Did they hit their own mailbox?"

"Where does God have His penis?"

"Why does my boo-boo go away?"

"Why do we poop?" 

"Do you have a 'calm space', Mommy?"

"When we go to Florida, will Mary Poppins play 'guys' with me?"

I try to come up with simple answers, ones that make sense and are accurate but also that my little 3-year-old inquisitor will understand. 

My favorite question (that he asks that has also become the greatest challenge to give a simple answer to) is this short, beautiful, wonderful question:

"Can God pick me up, Mommy?"

My answer to this has varied every time because there are so many answers to this question. The question that my affectionate, cuddly, sweet little boy wants an answer to because he loves to be picked up and snuggled.

"Can God pick me up, Mommy?"

Oh Sweet Boy...

God always picks you up. 

Today when you were on the porch and that little ant you've been desperately trying to pick up for the last week finally crawled up your arm and even got the gumption to work its way up to your face, tickling you and making you squirm - God was picking you up. He was showing you that He's present in all of His creatures. 

When we were on the porch watching the storm the other day and the wind blew down the hill, picking up the rain and spraying us in the face - God was picking you up. He knew exactly what would make you laugh with glee in the midst of a torrential thunderstorm. 

The times that you flop down on the driveway and look up to the sky, looking at the blue and the clouds and you take a deep breath - God is picking you up. He is warming you with the sun and embracing you with the breeze, filling you with good feelings as you sigh and declare that it's "a nice day". 

If you have a bad dream in the middle of the night and you don't wake up all the way to come into Mommy and Daddy's room - God picks you up. We ask Him every night to protect us from bad dreams and help us to rest easily, and He does. 

When you are sad and crying and life is crazy and Mommy can't physically get to you and your crying sister and your dinner that's cooking on the stove all at the same time and I bounce between all of the things so everyone gets some part of attention - God picks you up. He tells you where your Monkey is and helps you find a place to snuggle with him while He holds you. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you look at your Monkey long enough, you'll see God's loving face in that embroidered smile. 

There are so many ways that God picks you up, sweet child. 

God has asked Mommy and Daddy to be your parents. He has filled us with love for both you and your sister. When God brought us together and created you, He opened a door in our hearts to be a direct line of communication from Him to You. When we need Him to help us help you - He is there. Every time you are sad, mad, lonely, or just need to know that you are loved your heart draws you to Mommy or Daddy and you ask us, "Can you please pick me up?"

You ask us with your big blue eyes, and your soft quiet voice, and your little hand reaching up to us (usually your other hand has Monkey in it). 

Please know that every time Mommy or Daddy picks you up and squeezes you tightly that God is behind us squeezing tightly too. When we pick you up, God is right there with us picking you up too. 

"Can God pick me up, Mommy?"

I kiss his forehead, say a silent prayer that someday he will understand what I mean by all of the things that I want to say and tell him and instead answer him as simply as I can.

"Sweetie, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Then look at me - Buddy, God ALWAYS picks you up. Every time you ask. I love you sooooo much, and God loves you more than that. God ALWAYS picks you up." 

Emily

When we met Emily, she was an 8th grade girl who was older than most 8th grade girls we had ever met. She was mature, compassionate, and knew what she was going to be when she grew up.

She was going to go to medical school. She was going to be a doctor.

Over the years as we grew to know Emily and watch her grow into an amazing young woman, we watched as God shaped her heart. She loves her family and is extremely close to her mom and three sisters (and four nephews). She is drawn to children and has babysat the children of many of our friends and was the first person besides us that was able to successfully get our baby Will to go to sleep. She cares for others, never judges, always has compassion.

Emily was one of about 10-15 kids that were in our youth group when we took over in 2008. In 2011 when we had our senior party at our house with, we watched as 6 or 7 of "our kids" went off to the world to college or the military or wherever. Most of them spent some time the way most of us do at 18 years old - trying to figure out where they fit in the world and how they fit into God's story.

The one person who didn't spend time trying to "figure" anything out was Emily. Emily went to MCPHS and began to pursue her medical career, just as she had always said she would do. A couple of weeks ago, she received her Bachelor of Science in Premedical and Health Sciences with hopes of eventually going to medical school and becoming a doctor.

Emily had been on a missions trip to the Bahamas prior to starting college. The pictures and stories we heard from those students when they returned proved that their lives had been changed. But in Emily's case, it was the beginning of a heart stirring; it was the beginning of God's call on her heart.

She went on to spend a couple of summers interning for Next Step Ministries, learning the ins and outs of missions work and also what most of us never quite fully figure out - how to listen to God's words and pull towards His plan. She prayed, she pursued, she listened to His responses. Then in 2014 she took a trip that changed her life - she went to Haiti, and God broke her heart for His people there. After several trips back and many prayers from her, her friends, and her family - it became clear to Emily that Haiti would be her home.

We sat in our living room this past winter and hung out with Em as she told us that as strange as it was to say - this wasn't her home anymore. That her home was in Haiti, that she was looking forward and ahead to being back there after graduation. That God is taking care of her family here and while she will miss them terribly - she knows that He needs her in Haiti.

Next week Emily and her oversized bags of luggage will move home; she will return to Haiti to begin work with Children's Health Ministries, an organization that works to fight malnutrition through clinics and food distribution services. She will spend a year there following God's plan for her life, abandoning the paycheck that most college graduates pursue to make a difference in the lives of who knows how many children and their families.

This amazing young woman has become a part of our family (just ask Will, that's his "Ah-meh-lee") and while we will miss her terribly, we are so proud of her willingness to follow God with minimal question. We are amazed at her boldness to initially step outside her comfort zone and find a new home in a foreign land. We are excited for her as she heads out to immerse herself in a new(ish) culture to show the people in Haiti that they are loved by God.

Would you be willing to walk alongside Emily as she steps out on this new adventure and follows God's call on her heart to Haiti? Would you be willing to pray for her and the team at Children's Health Ministries as they continue their work to fight malnutrition and hunger and the havoc it can wreak on children? Would you be willing to financially support Emily in her endeavors as she will not be paid for her work in monetary measures (but still needs to pay rent, buy food, and take care of herself)?

Would you be willing to let Emily's story be an example in your life of what it means to drop everything to pursue what God's plan for you is? 

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For more on Emily's story, please visit her blog at: https://emro93.wordpress.com/

For more about Children's Health Ministries, please visit: http://www.chmhaiti.org/

For how you can help Emily financially (she will need $600-700/month to cover living expenses), please visit her Crowd Funding site at: https://www.crowdrise.com/EmilyinHaiti/fundraiser/EmilyinHaiti

The Woman in the Parking Lot

When you have two small kids and you're out doing errands trying to beat an incoming Nor'Easter the morning before Thanksgiving, making small-talk with a stranger in a parking lot is not the event you'd like to have happen.

But yet, there I was yesterday morning hurrying back to my car after grabbing diapers when a woman saw me pushing my tandem stroller back to the mom-mobile when she called out "Happy Thanksgiving!". Not wanting to be a Grumpy Gus, I smiled and said "You as well!" to which she replied "Thank God this only happens once a year... right?". I then laughed in kind and heard her mumble "Oh, but then there's Christmas... and New Year's".

There was something in the way that she said those last words that gave me pause. This was not a woman who had joy on her heart, but rather seemed overwhelmed. I turned around as I loaded the second kid into the car to give her a smile and said "Happy Thanksgiving, again!".

She stopped and smiled. "Oh, yes. You too. I'm so... there's just so much to do..."

I closed the door to the car after making sure both kids were snug and secure in their carseats, and turned back to the woman. She was maybe in her mid-50's, sweatshirt and jeans, blonde-grey hair quickly styled. She looked overwhelmed and concerned. I made eye contact with her and smiled.

She put her hand to her forehead and sighed. "I work in a nursing home and I have to work tomorrow," she said. Then she looked at me as if wondering if she should continue or not. I could tell that she wanted - no, needed - to, so I acknowledged what she said. "Well, I can tell you that if I had family in a nursing home, I would be more thankful than I can express that someone would be there to make sure my family member had a good Thanksgiving. It's better than retailers making their cashiers work just to make a buck."

Market Basket - More for your Dollar (and heart, apparently)

I could see her shoulders relax as she continued to tell me the rest of the story. She wasn't just working in a nursing home on Thanksgiving. She had to get there and organize the meal; this meant she had to organize the team cooking and serving the meal as well as making sure that the reservations/serving times for each family were in order so the holiday could go without a hitch for the residents and their families.

She had to arrive at the nursing home at 2:00 AM to start this process. Then after that was all done, she had to go to the airport to see if her brother had arrived from Switzerland for the holiday.

As she wrapped up her story, the look of worry took over her face again as she sighed and rubbed her temples.

It was then that it hit me... the Nor'Easter.

She had to drive to work in the middle of a snowstorm predicted to bring snow, sleet, and rain. She wasn't just overwhelmed - she was nervous. And I could relate, because I hate (and I mean HATE) driving in those conditions.

I decided in that moment that I didn't care about personal space or the fact that this woman was a complete stranger. I walked over to her and gave her a hug. Suddenly she was laughing and I said "Have a wonderful Thanksgiving... be safe, have fun" and rubbed her arms before letting go. She smiled and said "Oh, thank you! You too!" and walked back to her car.

I slowly got in mine and put both hands on the steering wheel when I realized I had a huge lump in my throat and that I was holding back tears. I took a few deep breaths and as one of them let go from the corner of my eye, I said a prayer. I asked God to help calm her heart, to protect her on the roads during the storm, to let her find joy in the moments of service and to enjoy the holiday.

As I said "Amen", I heard my son's little voice from behind me. "Mommy, otay? Wanna go home now. Mommy otay?"

"Yeah, Buddy. Mommy's OK. We're going home right now."

I share this story because I want to encourage you today too. I want to encourage you to open your heart to let God move in and use you. Use you for big things, use you for small things, but to use you. I find that He tends to use me for small things, but I know that those small things - those "lead from behind" things - make a difference to His people. I encourage you to pray that He help you to hear His voice. I don't always, but I find when I do it's for something that requires love.

I don't know why I was moved to cry. But I do know that God moved me to love on that woman yesterday. To be there for her  - maybe because no one else was. Maybe because if she didn't have release in that moment she would not have been able to release some of the nervousness. Maybe because sometimes people just need to vent to feel better.

Maybe because she just needed a hug, and God knows that I love to hug.

I don't know the why, but I know that God used me yesterday.

He wants to use all of us.

Today - Thanksgiving - I am thankful that God uses His children to do things. To do big things. To do small things. But all of the things that He calls us to do... all of the things matter.

Ask Him to use you too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

When Mommy Needs a Timeout

There was a baby crying. There was a loud toddler singing. There were adult day recaps on both sides of the table. Dishes clanging. Background music coming from the small speaker on the counter. So. Much. Noise.

I could feel the muscles in my back tensing. I could feel my head getting foggy. My breathing was getting quick. Small imperceptible tears were forming in the corners of my eyes. There was too much, and I was getting overstimulated.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hide and find quiet. Instead I snapped at my husband who was very likely just trying to help by entertaining the toddler or trying to show interest in whatever it was I had done that day.

We've all had these moments, the ones where we lash out at the first available customer instead of handling the chaos of life's daily grind with any sort of grace or poise. My moments like that tend to come between the hours of 4-6 (I've heard that's often called the "witching hour" by other parents...). Dinner, the hubby getting home, tiny people at the start of tired time when they're also hungry: all of these factors are the perfect storm to send me into a tailspin.

So there I was, standing at the island in the middle of my kitchen feeling like exactly that - an island in the chaos of the waves, just trying to hold my emotional shoreline together when the I just couldn't take the erosion on my own anymore. And I snapped at my poor husband who hadn't done anything except just be.

Didn't I learn anything from that sand and rocks lesson that Jesus gave? Clearly not...
(Image from bibleschoolteachers.blogspot.com)

While I have no doubt that God is always present in my home, it was in the moments that followed that I realized I had been ignoring that presence (again). My husband put down whatever was in his hands, walked across the chaos... er... kitchen... calmly, took me by the shoulders, and looked me in the eyes.

"Dee," he started quietly, "go upstairs, take five minutes. Don't argue with me. Go upstairs, take five minutes." He paused to let me process what he had said, then made sure he still had my eyes and said "OK?". 

I nodded. I put down whatever it was I had in my hands. I left the room without a word, marched up the stairs, and flopped face down on the bed. 

I could hear the chaos continuing in the background, only this time instead of my own stressed-out voice I heard the energetic voice of a dad trying to settle the chaos down before the mom came back downstairs. I may have cried a little bit, I don't remember... but mostly, I talked to God.

I told God I was sorry for not paying attention to His presence in my kitchen. I told God I was sorry for ignoring His hands that were trying to give me the resources I needed to get through the rest of the evening and then opened my heart to accepting those resources. Then I thanked Him for giving me a man who clearly knew that it was time for Mommy to take a timeout when I was too stubborn to realize it myself.

I took down my husband's "I Love You Because..." boards where we leave each other notes (totally stole that from Pinterest, by the way), wrote a note thanking him for being an example of God's love and grace, left it on his pillow, took a deep breath, put on the armor God had just given me, and opened the door to return to the storm.

My sunshine-filled storm... October 2014
(Image taken by RLPhoto)

That was a little over a week ago, and since then I have been working to become more in tune with when Mommy needs a time out. I have always been susceptible to overstimulation (it is one of the reasons that I was grateful to have my own room as 1 of 4 children growing up) and what's worse is that I know it about myself, I know the triggers - and I often ignore them. I always try to push through it myself, to handle the chaos without God or anyone else around me and inevitably I feel physically and emotionally worse on the other side of it.

It is in the times that I ask for help either from God directly or from the people and support He has placed in my life that I feel the best when the storm calms. Those are the times that I am able to be the best mom, wife, and whatever else I have been called to be.

I need to be brave and strong enough to recognize when I need to take a timeout and to take it. I need to be humble enough to ask God or others for that help when the time comes. And I need to never stop praying, never stop asking God for His resources, and always asking for clarity of mind so that I really KNOW when the time is coming for a timeout.

I encourage my fellow moms out there to do this too. Know when you need a timeout and don't be afraid or ashamed or too proud to take it. Runners know that you won't go far if you don't remember to breathe. Video game consoles, computers, and cell phones all need that occasional reset in order to work properly.

This one is here to see if Steve is reading. Applicable, but also an inside joke.
(Image from "The IT Crowd", found on www.quickmeme.com)

Take the timeout. It's OK. I'm allowed. You're allowed.

That Comfortable Silence

"I'll set up my residence in your neighborhood; I won't avoid or shun you; I'll stroll through your streets. I'll be your God; you'll be my people." (Leviticus 26:11-12, The Message)

You know those seasons of a beautiful, sustained friendship where you can sit for hours in a comfortable silence and just know that each other are there? Those times where you're just looking at the wonder around you and your friend is by your side and you're just sitting there, silently, enjoying the beauty around you or just the comfort of each other's company?

Yesterday while I was reflecting on some things, I realized that this is the season that I am having with my relationship with God. 

The realization of this came from having the thought that things had been quiet there for a while. Not in a way that I haven't been praying or neglecting to read my devotionals or feeling far from him - but just... quiet. When I thought about it, I realized that I don't feel far from Him right now - in fact, I probably feel God's presence more in my life recently than I have in a while. He is answering our prayers and we have felt His provision and protection in more ways than we have ever felt before. We are watching as He moves in our friends lives in various and amazing ways. The ways that He has placed blessings big and small in our lives are not going unnoticed or taken for granted.

Yet, despite all of this, I feel like I am in a quiet, comfortable silence with God right now.

I think that part of the reason is that on the surface, life is kind of normally flowing right now. We get up, we shower, we do our things, we have dinner, we go through the bedtime routine, we wind down, we repeat the next day. We have good moments in which we have been smiling and finding joy, and we have bad moments in which we recover and have grace and forgive and process. The difference, I think, is that recently I have been much, MUCH more aware of God's presence in all aspects of my life. Not just the crises or the giant celebrations - but all of the aspects.

So what am I saying here? What's my point?

Will reminding Daddy that God is even at work with him during the day.

The bottom line, for me, is this: God is always there. He is the bestest of the best friends, His presence is one that never leaves. The key is to find that presence tangible - which is not always the easiest of things to do. Recently, I think that is what has happened; I have begun to feel God's presence more constant. He is always there. And for me, finding Him in the day to day has always been the most difficult. The "quietness" that I am feeling right now is, I think, His presence in the ordinary.

I have a couple of close friends - my husband included - that I can sit in comfortable silences with. They don't need to say or do anything, but I know they're there. Sometimes those silences are created by distance or time, sometimes they're created by lulls in conversation, sometimes they're created intentionally while we watch life happen or spend time outside in creation just watching. It doesn't matter what we're doing or how the silences are created... those friends, those relationships - they are still there.

Some of my most comfortable quiet God-moments have been beside the ocean.

So right now may seem like a time of ordinary sprinkled with the occasional extenuating circumstance, but it doesn't matter. I don't need a major event to feel God's presence... I just need to be aware of His presence in the normal moments of the day.

Today, take a moment to pause and find God in your ordinary moments. Find peace in that, then when you've found Him in one moment, look for Him in another. When you are seeking Him out intentionally, you will find that He is everywhere. 

Having Faith, Always Praying

We sat with Nana in her dining room, all looking quietly at my newborn son. She shook her head, sighed, smiled, and looked at me like she was going to say something before stopping to look at the baby again. 

"You know," she said after a brief moment passed, "I just don't understand how people can look at babies, new babies, and not believe that there's a God."

Steve and I looked at each other before responding; she had no idea what truth she spoke in our lives that day. 

"Yeah, Nana. I know. Babies are miracles," I quietly said. 

Steve nodded in agreement before also responding. "That they are..."

What she didn't know was that for us, William was an answer to prayers. Prayers spoken, prayers unspoken, prayers on our hearts and minds for quite some time. I had been told that due to a medical condition I had, the best chance we would have of getting pregnant would be immediately after coming off of birth control. When it didn't happen in the first two months, I assumed that God's answer was that we would not be having children and I quietly came to terms with that. After all, sometime's God's response to our prayers is a no.

But then two more months later... we saw two lines on our pregnancy test. 

Will & Mommy (Photo credit RLPhoto, 2012)

I found out several months later that while my husband sat in a lecture at a conference about a professor that videotaped his son's first two years of life to analyze how we learn communicate, he prayed that someday - despite the odds - that we could experience that wonder ourselves. That we could watch our own child learn, grow, develop, explore in those early years. 

I had written off the idea and silently dealt with my disappointment to a prayer I incorrectly thought had been answered no, trusting that God had plans. Steve held on to hope and asked God for a child. 

We were already two or three weeks pregnant when Steve prayed that prayer and had no inkling. Two weeks later we saw those two lines on our pregnancy test. 

For us, William was truly a miracle. William was a blessing that not only enriched our family, but expanded our trust in God's plans for our lives. William taught us to never stop praying boldly for those things we feel urging us strongly in our hearts. William taught us - and continues to teach us - more about God and faith than anything other experience we have ever encountered. 

"I just don't understand how people can look at babies... and not believe there is a God."

Steve and I are in a season right now where we have really felt God moving in our lives via answered prayers. Some of the answers haven't been immediate - but some have. We've had medical issues that looked to be very concerning in our house that have turned out to be minor and manageable after we've prayed endlessly to God about them. We have had decisions to make that after praying about them felt like we were being pulled in a certain direction, and have had situations appear that have confirmed we followed God's lead for where we were going. We have felt Him move in our marriage in ways we haven't before. 

We have friends who literally have hundreds of people praying for them after they went into pre-term labor 5 weeks ago at 28 weeks. At 33 weeks & 2 days, she still hasn't delivered and is leaving the doctors thinking she's a complete mystery. 

The works of God so often are just that - a mystery. And if the fact that she's still incubating isn't a powerful testimony to the power of prayer - I don't know what is.

This summer, Steve and I decided that we were ready to have baby number two. Sometime in mid-July, as we sat in bed talking with God in our nightly prayer, Steve said "God, I think we're ready for another kid. If that's Your will, we're ready for it." I squeezed his hand, and soon after we said "Amen". 

It was never mentioned again. We just let God know - we're ready if You are. Your call, God.

As the math worked out... not long after that, a week or maybe two, we became pregnant with our Little One. Twenty-three(ish) weeks from now, sometime next April, we'll be welcoming a new Baby Athanas into our home. 

Little One at 14(ish) weeks - Due April 2014!

Another miracle. 

Another answered prayer. 

Trust that God has our best interests, that He has plans for us. That He hears our prayers. Pray boldly, pray constantly, trust in His answers. 

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for." (1 John 14-15, NLT)

Review: Mystically Wired

I recently read the book "Mystically Wired" by Ken Wilson and was pleasantly surprised. It's not often that you are able to find a book that takes prayer and makes it something completely approachable. Prayer is something that most people are intimidated by, so by making it approachable Wilson does something powerful for millions of people looking to get closer to God.

Wilson breaks the book into what I think are two basic sections: how God wired us to pray and relate to him, and then how we can actually go about doing that. The way that he breaks this down is key I think - first understand how it works, then understand how to make it work. Since this is a basic approach to most things that we encounter and tackle in our daily lives, it makes coming to God in prayer a completely realistic thing for someone who may have previously been nervous, intimidated, or just avoided prayer thinking it's too hard. By demonstrating that we're all wired to pray, explaining that we're all uniquely wired, and giving several practical ways to step into the shallow end of the "prayer pool", Wilson removes the barriers that most people have to engaging with God in prayer.

I was truly amazed by how incredibly practical this book was. There were several points at which I agreed with the author, appreciated his challenges, and felt encouraged to take simple steps to come to God in prayer. As someone who found my faith relatively recently, prayer is not always something that comes naturally to me. What Wilson does that I really appreciated was recognize that a lot of people are coming from this position of discomfort and present ways to get past and challenge those barriers. The thing that Wilson does that I found really handy was that he not only give several steps and tools with which to approach God in prayer; at the end of the book he provides an appendix of 10 steps for the reader to use as an easy reference. A month from now I won't remember every single thing that he spelled out in the book, but having an appendix certainly helps with that issue.

Something that may turn a person off to this book is that in the first chapter or two he heavily references the mystics in his discussion of how we are wired to pray. A lot of people may be turned off by this, but I would encourage anyone deciding to read this book to be patient with Wilson as his points are incredibly relevant if you hear him out with an open mind. I personally don't have any problem with the concept of mystics and mysticism, but I understand where this may be a put-off to some.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone looking for practical tools and understanding when it comes to prayer. Again - I caution that some may be turned off by the first chapter or two, but I encourage anyone who gets this book to seriously get past that and hear out the author. His points are valid, they make sense, and the fact he offers simple things that we can do to become more engaged in prayer on increasingly deep levels is great. The reviews on the back of the book all basically state that this was the best book on prayer that they had ever read - and on a lot of levels I would agree. If you struggle with prayer or are just looking to explore new/deeper areas of prayer - get your hands on this book.


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”