Tears, Joy, and Life

I sat on the floor of the room that's about to become my son's nursery in tears. Tears that shook my entire body ran down my cheeks and I was crying like I hadn't cried in months - maybe even years. A simple miscommunication, a frustration of not knowing how to react to my mood swings on Steve's part had gotten us in an argument... and landed me in a spot where I knew I needed to walk away and regain my center.

It landed me in the middle of my office - my son's future nursery - sobbing as hard as I'd sobbed in years.

It wasn't that Steve had done some great offense that we couldn't have talked through and worked out like normal human beings. It's that over the course of the last 6-7 months... I've lost the control I typically have over my emotions and something had spilled me over the edge. Nothing is more frustrating to me than not being able to control my emotions. It lands me in this cycle...

...I become overly sensitive/emotional...

...I get frustrated that I cannot control it...

...I become emotional about my emotional state...

...I get frustrated I am exposing my husband to this side of womanhood...

...I become emotional that I can't be the best wife possible...


...you get the point.

Welcome to being pregnant.

Add to this the complication that every cry-fest also runs a huge risk for me to get backed-up sinuses and a sinus infection. Without the ability to take my normal decongestants after a good cry (they're on the pregnancy no-no list), I need to rely on nature to drain my nasal cavities. This means that one good cry equals a week's worth of a runny nose. A few good cries means you may as well think I have a cold.

As the tears run down my cheeks and I feel the pressure building inside my sinuses... I open the door to see my distraught husband with a look of complete helplessness on his face. He wants nothing more than to take the frustration away, and I don't even know where to begin to tell him to start to help. This makes me want to cry even more...

It's right about this point in the breakdown that I - in my head - simultaneously thank God for providing me with a husband who loves me, an overall healthy pregnancy, a son who seems to be growing well in there, and no morning sickness to speak of... and curse Eve for that eating that forsaken apple.

Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth..." (Genesis 3:16a)

We all know the story of Adam and Eve and the Serpent and the Apple, so I'm not going to rehash it... but it was the first sin that was ever committed. As a result of that, we have our first set of consequences. Painful pregnancy and childbirth for the ladies, a lifetime of hard work & toil (and unmentioned in scripture - but also dealing with the wife's painful pregnancy and childbirth) for the men.

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently, and while many women truly enjoy the beautiful process of creating a human being inside our own bodies - this process is not one that does not have its consequences. Books have been written about how to deal with the discomforts of pregnancy: backaches, hemorrhoids, morning sickness, postpartum depression, UTI's, stretching ligaments that support your uterus... the list is endless and the symptoms are different for each and every woman.

But there is a promise of new life at the end. 

It hit me yesterday while sitting in church (after another crying fit that morning)... I sat down after taking Communion and bowed my head to pray. The first thing that poured from my heart was acknowledgement of my condition.

I am broken. I am a sinner. I am pregnant. God made it clear in Genesis 3:16 what this meant. For me, this means a breakdown of my normal poise, patience, clarity. It means frustration at the limitations that pregnancy imposes. It means random outbursts and crying fits.

But it's not all bad news... It means that for 40 short weeks, God gives me a glimpse into what it means to take part in His creation and make a life. It means a small little boy will be brought into this world who will depend on me, who I will love with all of my heart and who will love me back. It will provide me with an opportunity to not only experience a small glimpse into taking part in God's creation... but also a small glimpse into the unconditional love He has for each one of us.

A part of Him is in each of us, for we are created in His image. A part of me is in my son, for he is 50% my genetics. We frustrate the daylights out of God, and there are consequences for our behavior... but He forgives us. I know there will be days when we will have conflict with our son, and we'll have to "ground" him or help him see the consequences of his behavior... but we will forgive him.

And in that moment of recognition... I swallowed my cracker & grape juice and thanked God for this amazing blessing of parenthood that He has bestowed upon us. Somehow, that perspective eased the frustration of the emotional roller-coasters and helped me to see that this will all. be. worth it.

Top Five: Commercials

Last weekend was the Super Bowl (as anyone living in New England is painfully aware and anyone in New York is joyously celebrating), and with the big game comes the annual excitement surrounding commercials. The Super Bowl has to be the only viewing experience where people will debate whether to get up during the feature presentation or the commercials for snacks because they don't want to miss anything.

Having said that, I was seriously disappointed with this year's commercial selections overall. Sure, there were a few good ones (the Seinfeld commercial, the M&M Commercial, and the doggy Dorito commercial) - but overall, disappointing. Budweiser historical context? I thought that beer commercials were supposed to be funny!

At any rate, this year's commercials got me thinking of some of my favorite commercials in general - not just from the Super Bowls - and I thought that I would share some of them with you. Some are funny, some are touching - but (at least in my opinion), these commercials are pretty darn good.

So... in no particular order... here are my...

Top Five Favorite Commercials

Volkswagen- The Force: This is one of the most adorable commercials I have ever seen in my whole life. Poor kid just wants to use the force... and as a woman who's about to be a parent, the outcome of this video is incredibly touching. If you've never seen it, believe me - it's worth the minute of your time to watch.



McDonald's - Mac Tonight: This commercial isn't really that great, but when you're 7 years old (which I was when this commercial came out) - it's catchy. And it gives you something to bond with your 2nd grade crush about (which I did... yes... I used to sing the Mac Tonight song in class with my 2nd grade crush. No, I will not tell you who it was). Anyway, for that reason - this commercial holds a special place in my heart.

Old Spice - The Man Your Man Could Smell Like: Admit it. You love the Old Spice commercials that have come out over the last few years. Between the hot former football player with the awesome voice, and the ripped guy who screams at the camera - entertaining is the best word you can use to describe Old Spice's recent marketing attempts. Next time you're in the store, read the back of their deodorant. They talk about stench monsters and laser robots. No, I'm not joking. Anyways - the first (I think) of these commercials is one of my favorite commercials I've ever seen. "I'm on a horse". Great stuff.



Folgers - Homecoming: This commercial is really sweet... and though I had seen it lots of times, my current pregnant state had me bawling my eyes out when I saw it this Christmas. If you've never seen it and you're a crier - grab your Kleenex.



Budweiser - Wassup: OK - this is me openly admitting that this may actually be one of the dumbest, most juvenile commercials ever made. However: when I was in college, this offered truckloads of entertainment to my friends and I. For whatever reason - one I will never understand - I find this commercial catchy and possibly even funny. Every so often, I do make an obscure reference to this commercial that probably few people understand. The funny thing - I don't even LIKE Budweiser. I actually hate it.



There are definitely lots of other commercials out there that are pretty entertaining (the original CareerBuilder.com "I work with monkeys" commercial, the E*Trade baby in "solitary confinement" in his crib, and several others I've seen over the years), but these are some of my favorites. Hopefully next year the folks who decide to buy the valuable ad-space during the Super Bowl will step it up a bit before they lose their audience to the refrigerator or a snack table.

What are some of your favorite commercials? What did you think of this year's ads?

Traffic and Women's Rights

Every day I leave my house right around 8:15 AM. It takes me - on a normal day - about 30 minutes to get to work and since I have to arrive by 9:00, leaving at 8:15 gives me a 15 minute "traffic buffer" just incase I hit any snags.

Because you know, it's Eastern Massachusetts and I work "heading towards Boston". That's enough said.

As I leave my house, I can see the highway I have to get on so I am able to see what the flow of traffic looks like in the direction I'm headed. Typically speaking, it's flowing relatively freely though I can expect a slowdown one exit down due to solar glare in the winter.Today: I looked up and saw a tractor trailer. It wasn't moving. I looked closer and realized there were lots of cars. None of them were moving either. So I tried to be all slick and take the backroads to another spot to get on the highway. Those cars weren't moving either.

To make a very long story short... what usually takes me 30-35 minutes took me 1 hour and 10 minutes to accomplish from garage to parking lot. That's about twice as long as normal, and the "traffic buffer" that would normally suffice in the event of one snag (which isn't abnormal) turned out to be absolutely fruitless.

Here's where I learned a lesson in perspective today.

As I sat in my car constantly refreshing Google Maps for traffic updates and seeing nothing but red to blood red at seemingly every turn, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was going to be late for work, I have a meeting, why am I not moving, this is so boring, I've already heard this song, why is @MassDOT not tweeting what's going on (I wasn't moving, believe me - I didn't look while I was driving), etc. etc. etc.

Then I looked over and realized something: hundreds of other cars were in the same position I was in. Everyone out on the road this morning was stuck in horrible traffic. It occurred to me that with that many people in traffic, there would be a good chance that not only would most of us be pretty late for work - it's entirely possible that someone stuck in that traffic might have been given a warning not to be late anymore or their job was on the line. And maybe today was the day that person left super early so they wouldn't be late, a day to make a fresh start - only to be met with traffic that doubled their commute time.

I said a quick prayer for that person - who I'm sure existed - that their boss be reasonable and understanding.

My brain didn't stop there. I suddenly felt this bizarre sense of solidarity - we were all in the traffic club! We were all in that mess together! All for one and one for all! Here here! This solidarity among my fellow drivers was reinforced when I realized that no one seemed to be doing that "my schedule is more important than yours" move to fly down the breakdown lane. See! We're all a traffic team!

Or something.

Last night I was purging my office to get rid of things so that we can consolidate to one office and make room for Baby Boy. As I was purging I came across my "thank you" copy of "The Vagina Monologues" that I received as being part of the performance when it was produced at UMass Lowell. If you've ever seen or heard of it, then you know that the premise of the entire thing is to bring awareness to women's issues not only in the US but in all parts of the world. It is meant to celebrate the beauty of women and unite us all globally to stand up for what is right. Performances are often sponsored by women's rights groups who fight for women to have the same freedoms in other parts of the world as they do in the US.

I remember this one monologue about what it was like to live under a burqa, and another about a woman who suffered from female circumcision and rape at the hands of soldiers in her own country. As I sat in traffic this morning, these stories came into my mind and took up space in my heart. Here I was letting my heartrate and frustration level rise because I was sitting in traffic, being inconvenienced... when really the fact that I was sitting in traffic would be considered a blessing by many women around the world.

Think about it - what led me to be sitting in the traffic in the first place? I was able to get a good education, put myself through college, choose whatever job I wanted, wear whatever clothes I picked out this morning, drive myself to work, choose what path to take - and at the end of the whole thing, arrived safely to be treated by my male peers with respect and viewed as an equal.

Without that sort of cultural surrounding - I wouldn't have been sitting in traffic this morning. Suddenly, the traffic didn't seem like a huge bother anymore.

Don't get me wrong - sitting in traffic is definitely an inconvenience, and is doubly annoying when my husband is home before me at night and I'd rather be spending time with him than sitting behind the back-end of a garbage truck staring at its taillights. It's not the traffic that I'm grateful for, especially when you consider that most traffic is caused by the misfortune of another driver. That's not it at all.

What I'm grateful for - and am actually incredibly thankful for - is that I've been blessed enough to be able to be a woman in the United States of America. A place where I can literally be who I want to be, can chase my dreams, believe in the God I choose to believe in, can be treated as an equal in the eyes of everyone.

The next time you're sitting in traffic... take a deep breath, and think about how you got to that point in the first place. If you're anything like me, it'll make the ride a lot less painful.

2012 - It's Gonna Rock

I decided that I'm not going to start off this post by lamenting over all the things that I didn't accomplish from my goals list in 2011. All that accomplishes is about 10 minutes of frustration and disappointment in myself - and quite frankly, I don't think that sort of attitude is a good way to start off a new year. Instead, I am going to share with you a list of things that I did accomplish last year and then share with you some things that I would like to accomplish this year.

So what happened in 2011? Here's a short list of some things that I am excited about over the last year:

• I was able to read more books than I had in 2010; according to Goodreads, I completed 17 books during 2011. Right now I have 3 more in process, so I am glad that I was able to focus more on one of my favorite passtimes over the last 12 months. 
• Steve and I have done a much better job at keeping God at the center of our marriage than keeping ourselves there. The fruits of this have been amazing; we feel closer, conflict is much easier to handle, and we feel a more genuine sense of optimism & excitement about the future of our marriage as a result. 
• My prayer life has gotten stronger and I have gotten more comfortable with opening up to God in conversation. This is something that has been a huge struggle for me in my faith, and truthfully the book "Mystically Wired" helped me change my perspective on prayer. 
• My running improved! I reached a point where while outside I was able to go longer between "walking periods" which was very exciting to me. Of course my "speed" was still just about a jog, but I was excited to need to take less walking breaks. That, however, got put on the backburner because...
• We're having a baby! In September we found out that we'll be expecting our first little one, and in December we found out that our little one is going to be a little boy. We're super excited and so far the pregnancy & baby have been going quite well. (The pregnancy put my running endeavors on hold per doctor's orders... but it's worth it!)

Now we're in 2012, and I am excited to set some goals for the year that I know have a good chance of being accomplished. Why? Because I am determined this year. This year my goals are not being set out of obligation or some sense of "this is something I should do; this year's goals are in place because I want to accomplish these things. Period.

Goal Number One - Read the whole Bible: This year, our church is going through the narrative of the Bible from start to finish over the course of 12 months. As part of this, they have shared a reading plan that gets you through the Bible over the course of the year. In the past, I've set Bible reading goals only to fall flat on my face because I don't take the step of setting up some sort of way to hold myself accountable. Because our whole church community is reading on the same plan (or at least has the option to), it will serve to keep me on track during the course of the year. I am excited about this endeavor and know that I can see it through to the end.  

Goal Number Two - Successful Breastfeeding: I am excited to meet our little boy and welcome him into our family - along with all that entails. Yes, even the poopy diapers. One of the things that I am super excited about is nursing him and being able to provide him the nutrition that he needs from my own... person. I know that breastfeeding is hard work and it doesn't work for every person, but I am more than willing and determined to do everything I can to make it work. I have been praying that he not have digestive or latching issues, and will be signing up for a breastfeeding class that's offered at the hospital we will be delivering at. I also have had several women offer their expertise that I trust and value their opinions/advice, so I think that I have a great framework in place to be successful in this endeavor once our little man gets here. 

Little Man at 18 weeks, 3 days. Isn't he a cutie! 

Goal Number Three - Read More Books: In 2011, I was able to complete 17 books before the year was out. This year, I'd like to go back to my middle school days and hit the 20+ book club. I really don't see any reason that this goal cannot be achieved, but hey - you never know. I have a slew of books and a library card that are just aching to be read and/or used, plus I'm already off to a great start with 3 books in process. I LOVE reading, and hope that we can set a good example of how awesome reading is to our little one once he gets here. 

Goal Number Four - One 5K Race in the Fall: I am blessed to have a husband who encourages me in my running endeavors... and who also finds the value in everyone having time to themselves to do the things that will help them relieve stress. Once our little guy arrives and the doctor has cleared me to start jogging again, I can't wait to start to get back into the groove of it. My ultimate goal is to run in another 5K - either the same one I did before or one closer to home - and beat my last time of... whatever it was. Basically less than 38 minutes start to finish. I know that with Steve's support this is something that I can definitely achieve and I am excited about it.

There they are - my goals for 2012! I'm excited about these and I have a fantastic feeling about 2012 - I know it's going to be a great year. 

What goals do you have for 2012? 

Do you have a system in place to achieve the things you want to achieve? 

Christmas Love

As I lay in bed this morning, I remembered Christmases as a kid. Memories of getting up, gathering around the tree opening our stockings while our parents had their morning coffee flooded through my mind.

I remember the laughter, helping my siblings with their stocking stuffers, coloring in our coloring books, eating sweet breads together for breakfast while sipping on milk & juice. I remember watching the pile of presents under the tree for the ones that I had wrapped weeks before to surface so that I could watch people open what I had given them. Memories of smiles, laughter, tears of heartfelt thanks from gifts we gave each other that showed each other love.

I couldn't tell you half - or more - of what I wrote on my obligatory "Santa Lists" as a kid. The only thing I exactly remember getting for Christmas from a list I wrote was my 10-speed bike when I was 11... and that was because I have fond memories of the many bike rides I took on it in the years until my friends got cars. I remember in college I got the board game "Guesstures", and that night while playing with my siblings I have an amazing memory of my mother laughing hysterically when we had to act out "Nose Droppings" before the time ran out.

Christmas - for me - has never been about the stuff. It's been about family, it's been about making each other smile, it's been about laughter and joy.

This Christmas I woke up to the feeling of little tiny feet and hands poking me from the inside and a husband who rolled over and put his arm around me while he got his last few moments of sleep. A light snow has been falling around my house all morning creating the perfect atmosphere for a calm, peaceful Christmas. I enjoyed pastry and a stocking exchange with Steve while listening to Christmas music... just like I did on Christmas morning as a kid. I am waiting patiently for my in-laws to arrive for Christmas dinner, looking around thinking of what Christmas will be like next year with our 7-month old(ish) son.

Christmas is not about the material stuff. It's about the heart stuff... it's about the gifts that God has given us. Remember - this holiday started with the most wonderful Gift that He has ever provided: His son... the "dawn of redeeming grace"... the promise of redemption that we may have a relationship with God.

As you go into the days after Christmas, I encourage each of you out there to avoid the question "What did you get for Christmas?" or "What did Santa bring you?" when you see your friends and family. Ask them instead how their Christmas was, what memory will they cherish the most from this Christmas, what did they appreciate most about their holiday. If anyone asks you what you got, respond with the intangibles. The memories, the love, the blessings that you find throughout your day.

Keep those things close to your heart, remember that God loves you and the gifts of love - starting with the gift He gave us on the original Christmas day of His son, Jesus - are the most beautiful gifts you will receive this year.

Merry Christmas.


That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.”

  

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger.

After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds’ story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them. (Luke 2:8-20)