When the Arrival is Different

It seems that there's a month, a day, or a week for everything these days. National Siblings Day, National Hot Dog Day, Talk Like a Pirate Day, Wear Green Underwear Day... well, that last one I made up.

Maybe it exists though.

A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook that April is National C-Section Awareness month, and while I'm not usually one to really line up in solidarity or support or whatever of these sort of things - this one is very near and dear to my heart. 

Both of my children were born via c-section.

Me pregnant with Will, 3 years ago yesterday, just about 38-39 weeks.

Even though I've said that out loud dozens of times, somehow typing it in the context of this post just made me pause and choke up a little bit. 

When we were pregnant with my son (and yes, I said "we" - my husband suffered through the pregnancy and don't kid yourself ladies, your spouse suffered too), I remember distinctly having this feeling on my heart that it was going to end in a c-section. God knows the whole story, the whole picture, and even though I sat through birthing classes and took notes and practiced breathing and did all my kegels... He was emotionally preparing me for what the end was really going to look like. 

At my 39 week appointment, I found out that the swelling I had been experiencing was due to a sudden spike in my blood pressure. I didn't have pre-eclampsia, but it was still alarming; I had put on 25-30 pounds in 3ish weeks, all water weight. After two non-stress tests and an overnight urine collection (that was fun), we were induced on our due date. 

I wasn't even a little dilated. The word my OB used was "pristine" to describe my cervix. 

24 hours passed and I still hadn't started contracting. I was barely dilated. The pitocin drip was started. After several more hours my water still hadn't broken; it wasn't until my OB threatened to force the issue that my water broke on its own around hour 36. An hour later I had my epidural. By hour 48 I was still only 4-5 cm dilated and it had been about 8 hours since Will's heart rate was recovering post-contraction they way that it should have been. 

50.5 hours later, Will received his official eviction notice. 

I was wheeled into the OR and I was scared. I had never had a major surgery before and even though God had been preparing my heart for this since the first time I had heard my son's heartbeat - I was still scared. I'm not sure if it was the chill of the OR, the anesthesia/morphine mix, or my nerves that had me shaking so badly on the table... probably all three. 

My husband just kept whispering Joshua 1:9 in my ear while squeezing my hand, a quiet and calming reminder from my teammate: "Be strong and courageous, God is with you... be strong and courageous, God is with you..." 

At 11:08 AM that day, Will was born.

In the recovery room with my little man Will.

I didn't get to push. He wasn't placed on my chest for immediate skin to skin and he didn't get his first milk against my bosom until about an hour later in our recovery room. 

I wasn't the first non-medical person to hold him. The first glance I got of my son was two nurses holding him towards me while they rushed him to get cleaned and warm and washed up. And while I am SO glad that Steve got the opportunity to be in the room while he was getting prepped and washed and got to help the nurses and give them his name...

...for about two years, there was a part of me that always mourned my textbook, perfect birthing momma moment that never happened. 

In my story and in every story I've heard of a first c-section, no one ever says that they wanted it to be that way. Even though God prepared my heart and I knew in my gut that it would be my story, a part of me was really looking forward to pushing, to having that moment of messy baby on my chest right out of the birthing canal. To have Steve cuddle into us and put his arm around me and our son and to have that be our story.

Instead my story was a cuddle on my net-covered head while I awkwardly held my son on the OR table for a brief moment until I was ready to be moved. 

A new baby and my first major surgery all in one day.

I couldn't stand up and change those first meconium diapers of grossness that they tell you about. Steve got the pleasure of changing those. It was almost 2 days before I was able to stand up over Will's crib and 3 days before I had the confidence to pick him up out of it myself without dropping him. Walking to the bathroom and showering were pains worse than the contractions before I got my epidural. 

Daddy and his firstborn son snuggled up in the hospital.

Two years of mourning what wasn't. My friends were having their babies and coming home and while they were sore, they weren't under the same doctors orders I was of no lifting and not being able to drive. They didn't come home with scripts for narcotic pain killers. They didn't have scars across their abdomens, a reminder of those moments I had yearned for and missed out on. 

It didn't matter that God had prepared my heart. I wanted normal. I forgot for a minute that my son was a miracle that wasn't supposed to happen, and mourned the loss of my textbook delivery that I knew wasn't to be.

When I was pregnant with Evie, even though our doctor said I could be a good candidate for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section), we decided that the blood pressure and induction process were too great a risk and that we would opt for the c-section again. 

I'm glad we did. My blood pressure spiked again, this time a week earlier at just about 38 weeks and with proteins indicative of early pre-eclampsia. One week and one day before our scheduled surgery date, we found ourselves scrambling to get a place for Will and mentally prepare ourselves for the arrival of our daughter a bit sooner than we thought. There as no deliberating about whether or not we should induce; because I had already chosen surgery - surgery was the answer.

It was as my doctor and I made the decision for Evie to come early that I finally found the peace from the guilt and sadness I had been carrying with me from Will's delivery. In that OR as Evie was delivered, I wasn't scared anymore and I wasn't upset as I heard her cries, watched her get cleaned and wrapped, and that first awkward hold with those bright eyes was my beautiful moment instead of a guilt-filled one.

Welcoming baby Evangeline to the world... chubby cheeks and all!

This was to be my story. God had prepared my heart for it, and it's OK that this is my story. 

My children were born healthy. I survived the deliveries. I am not convinced that would have been the story of my first pregnancy if it had played out "naturally". 

My friend that wrote her post acknowledging C-Section Awareness month and sharing her story noted that c-section mommas are - among other things she said - brave. 

Brave. 

I never really thought of it that way. But I guess it's true. Brave people look at a situation that could be full of fear and they conquer it. 

When I think back to that first surgery with Will, lying in the OR... I can tell you that the last thing I felt in those moments was bravery and courage. I didn't feel strong. I felt exhausted, I felt scared.

My husband was the brave one that day. He found himself in an OR with his wife on the table praying that his unborn son would be okay and healthy after 8-10 hours of his heart rate not recovering properly. He had to hold himself together while I had my eyes closed just praying that God let my son be OK and trying not to lose my mind. 

He was the brave one. 

I had no courage. I had to have God give it to me. And He did. But it wasn't mine, it was His courage and bravery I had that first delivery. 

With Evie, I was much more confident. I was much more "Let's conquer this thing, bad blood pressure will not win!" and determined. I wasn't scared that day. That day I could argue I was brave. 

"Be strong and courageous, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Will meeting his baby sister for the first time. 

It's the 27th of the month and it's taken me this long to be able to write this post. There are so many emotions that come up when I think through the births of my children, as is the case with so many moms out there. Everything I've read about the reasons for this month existing is to bring awareness to the rising rates and how we can avoid them and head towards a target c-section rate... and I think that looking at it in such a sterile way bypasses the hearts of the women who have had c-sections and are thankful for the surgery.

I am grateful for the doctors and their expertise and judgment. While they never said that we were in a life-threatening situation, I know it wasn't an ideal one and I know other moms who most certainly WERE in life-threatening situations that they - and their babies - would not have made it without having emergency c-sections.

I would say that I am sufficiently aware, and I hope that most other people are too. I am glad there is a time to highlight this though, and I hope that others feel the freedom that I now feel almost 3 years after the birth of my son.

My scar is no longer something that I look at with sadness or guilt. When I see my scar now, I see the pathway my beautiful children took to get into this world. I see the wisdom and skill of doctors who think of the best interest of women and babies day in and day out.

I see the bravery of my husband, I see the growth of bravery in myself.

I see our family.

I see love.

I see God.

Our little family - January 2015

Getting Dad Involved

Monday night on the way home from our breastfeeding class, I looked at Steve and said "Hey - thanks for coming with me to the class tonight."

Steve's response? "I wouldn't have missed it. Thanks for always making sure I feel involved."

Something that made me incredibly sad when I started to do reading about pregnancy and birth was something that to me can be so obviously avoided. If "dad" starts to feel left out, they can become jealous of the attention that "mom" gets and start to resent her. Even worse - if "mom" gives all of her attention to the baby (even starting while the baby is in the womb) and diverts most of her attention away from "dad" completely, he may start resenting the baby.

The truth of the matter is that it took two people to make the baby and it's going to take two people to raise the baby into a man/woman successfully. From day one of our marriage, Steve and I have always said that we are "Team Athanas", and I knew that neither of us wanted the pregnancy (and upcoming birth) to be any different. I knew that I didn't want Steve to feel left out or resentful of me or the baby for a single second.

While the books and such that we read mentioned the potential for what I'll call DRS (Daddy Resentment Syndrome) as well as tips for the dad/coach of things they could do to help mom, I've found that what has worked best are things that I didn't find in any book or article. I thought that I would share them with you here - maybe you will find them helpful as well.

Tip Number One: Doctor's Visits and Classes - Yes, your name is on the appointment book for those doctor's visits - but believe me when I tell you that Dad is just as interested in how you and the baby are doing as you are. If he hasn't outwardly stated that he wants to come to every visit, make a point to invite him to them. Even if he declines repeatedly, make sure you invite him to come along each time. If he can't make it because of work or isn't interested in actually attending, sit with him prior to the visit and come up with a list of questions about everything together and make sure you get heads together the same evening as the visit to discuss the answers. The same goes for classes; he's going to be the one holding your hand in the delivery room and standing by to help with feedings & diaper changes. Make sure he understands how important he is to the parenting process and how much information is dispersed in the classes. Besides - two heads remembering the information are always better than one absentminded pregnant lady.

Steve right after finding out we were having a baby boy - and that everything looked perfectly healthy for mommy & baby!

 
Tip Number Two: Tummy Time - As soon as that little person growing inside you starts moving and you can feel ANYTHING: get Dad involved in the excitement. The first time I felt our little guy move, I called Steve at work immediately so that he could share in the moment. As the movements become more pronounced and you can feel the baby from the outside, let Dad touch your stomach and feel him move as much as humanly possible. Something that Steve and I do is that every night we have "Daddy Tummy Time". During this 20-minute or so period, Steve puts his head down where the baby is and either talks/reads to to the baby directly or talks to me with his head there. There is a lot of evidence that the baby can recognize the voices of the mother AND the father, so we do this so our little guy can get to know Steve's voice. Not only that, but it allows Steve to partake in the wonderful feeling and visuals of our baby's movements. One other thing: if Steve puts his ear to my stomach, he can often hear our little guy moving around. That is something that ONLY Daddy can experience (since I certainly can't bend that far... nor am I letting anyone else put their ear to my stomach).

Tip Number Three: Communicate - Got big plans for the nursery or to stock up in the freezer? Read something incredibly interesting about baby's development? Wondering why Dad is looking at you concerned every time you bend over? SPEAK UP!!! Tell him everything you learn, advice you get that you're appreciating/questioning, how you felt when the old lady at the grocery store rubbed your stomach, how excited you are, any questions you have. By telling him what's on your mind or what your plans/ideas are - he will feel involved in the process. Steve and I have probably communicated better about this pregnancy than we have a lot of other things in our marriage, and I can only imagine that we're going to be better for it long-term.

Tip Number Four: Talk About Dad - Everyone is always so interested in how I'm feeling and how the baby is doing... and then proceed to ask if Steve is "ready" to be a father or if he's "petrified" at the prospect of having a kid. My thoughts on that are a rant for another time, but what I will say is that I have found that talking up how awesome of a job Steve is doing in encouraging me through the pregnancy and how excited he is to be a dad have really made a difference. Not only do people see us as an an excited couple, Steve is able to hear through my responses to others that I WANT him involved and that I APPRECIATE that he's involved. While he hasn't said anything outright, I would bet that kind of public encouragement has really helped him to feel like he IS a part of the team. 

Tip Number Five: The Registry & Shower - I think that the best way I can sum up why I think it's important to include the Dad in the process of registering is the Tale of the Diaper Bag. Steve and I were looking at diaper bags and I found one that I really liked that decidedly looked like a purse. I beeped it into our registry (I had the gun). Steve said: "No way am I taking that thing with me when it's just me and the baby. I'mma register for that one," and he beeped in one that was essentially a diaper-backpack. Dads have opinions on everything from diaper bags to diaper pails to the carseats (remember - he's probably going to be doing the carrying) to sheet colors. Involving Dad in the process of registering reinforces that you value him as a member of your team AND that you value his opinions. Remember - he has to use and look at everything on that list too. As for the shower - while most guys will pass at the opportunity to sit in a room full of women talking about all sorts of womanly things, it's a nice touch to make sure Dad's encouraged to come along too even if it's just towards the end. 

The decidedly "manlier" diaper bag that Steve picked out.

While I'm sure that there are tons of other things that Steve and I have done together that have helped him to not feel left out of the pregnancy, these are the ones that stand out the most to me. If you're wondering how to get Dad involved in the process - I hope that these have helped you a little or sparked some ideas in your head of how you can. 

If you've had a baby before or are currently pregnant - what are some things that you've done to help to make sure your other half feels like a part of the process? 

If you're reading this and you ARE the other half, what are some things that Mom did while pregnant to help you feel involved/wanted?

66 Days

Christmas doesn't seem like it was that long ago, does it?

I just saw my cousin Stephanie at Christmas. At that time, she was about 30-ish weeks pregnant... a little over a week ago, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I can't help but think - Christmas doesn't seem like it was that long ago... how did she already have her baby?

But it WAS that long ago... it was about 7 or 8 weeks ago. Christmas was 2 months ago (roughly).

Why is this becoming such a point of thought for me, you might wonder? Well... as of last Friday, we are at 30 full weeks that I've been pregnant (30 weeks and 4 days today, actually). I'm in my 31st week of making a baby inside my body. It really doesn't seem like that long ago that Steve and I were pushing each other out of the way to see if the pregnancy test was showing us one or two pink lines.

But it has been that long. Christmas passed, football season is over, pitchers & catchers have already reported, our annual date-iversary trip to IHOP is in a week (March 7th). Before we know it, St. Patty's Day and Easter will pass... and then not long after that we'll have a little baby boy living with us and joining our family.

This is basically what it looks like inside my tummy right now. Cramped quarters...

Knowing how quickly it's been since Christmas was here helps to put in perspective how quickly it's going to be before our Little Man is here. His due date is May 4th - less than 10 weeks away - but we're less than 7 weeks from our "safe zone". He could basically arrive any time in the next 7-12 weeks...

That's less than 2 to less than 3 months away.

This past weekend, Steve painted the baby's room (the final step in transforming my purple office into a baby-friendly cream-colored nursery). In a month or so, my friends and family are throwing me baby showers... blessings I can't even begin to tell you how much I - we - appreciate. There are so many people who are so excited for this little guy to get here... Steve and I at the absolute top of that list.

It's exciting, it's scary, it's amazing, it's wonderful.

It's a miraculous blessing.

We're ready for the next step... and it'll be here before we know it.

Tears, Joy, and Life

I sat on the floor of the room that's about to become my son's nursery in tears. Tears that shook my entire body ran down my cheeks and I was crying like I hadn't cried in months - maybe even years. A simple miscommunication, a frustration of not knowing how to react to my mood swings on Steve's part had gotten us in an argument... and landed me in a spot where I knew I needed to walk away and regain my center.

It landed me in the middle of my office - my son's future nursery - sobbing as hard as I'd sobbed in years.

It wasn't that Steve had done some great offense that we couldn't have talked through and worked out like normal human beings. It's that over the course of the last 6-7 months... I've lost the control I typically have over my emotions and something had spilled me over the edge. Nothing is more frustrating to me than not being able to control my emotions. It lands me in this cycle...

...I become overly sensitive/emotional...

...I get frustrated that I cannot control it...

...I become emotional about my emotional state...

...I get frustrated I am exposing my husband to this side of womanhood...

...I become emotional that I can't be the best wife possible...


...you get the point.

Welcome to being pregnant.

Add to this the complication that every cry-fest also runs a huge risk for me to get backed-up sinuses and a sinus infection. Without the ability to take my normal decongestants after a good cry (they're on the pregnancy no-no list), I need to rely on nature to drain my nasal cavities. This means that one good cry equals a week's worth of a runny nose. A few good cries means you may as well think I have a cold.

As the tears run down my cheeks and I feel the pressure building inside my sinuses... I open the door to see my distraught husband with a look of complete helplessness on his face. He wants nothing more than to take the frustration away, and I don't even know where to begin to tell him to start to help. This makes me want to cry even more...

It's right about this point in the breakdown that I - in my head - simultaneously thank God for providing me with a husband who loves me, an overall healthy pregnancy, a son who seems to be growing well in there, and no morning sickness to speak of... and curse Eve for that eating that forsaken apple.

Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth..." (Genesis 3:16a)

We all know the story of Adam and Eve and the Serpent and the Apple, so I'm not going to rehash it... but it was the first sin that was ever committed. As a result of that, we have our first set of consequences. Painful pregnancy and childbirth for the ladies, a lifetime of hard work & toil (and unmentioned in scripture - but also dealing with the wife's painful pregnancy and childbirth) for the men.

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently, and while many women truly enjoy the beautiful process of creating a human being inside our own bodies - this process is not one that does not have its consequences. Books have been written about how to deal with the discomforts of pregnancy: backaches, hemorrhoids, morning sickness, postpartum depression, UTI's, stretching ligaments that support your uterus... the list is endless and the symptoms are different for each and every woman.

But there is a promise of new life at the end. 

It hit me yesterday while sitting in church (after another crying fit that morning)... I sat down after taking Communion and bowed my head to pray. The first thing that poured from my heart was acknowledgement of my condition.

I am broken. I am a sinner. I am pregnant. God made it clear in Genesis 3:16 what this meant. For me, this means a breakdown of my normal poise, patience, clarity. It means frustration at the limitations that pregnancy imposes. It means random outbursts and crying fits.

But it's not all bad news... It means that for 40 short weeks, God gives me a glimpse into what it means to take part in His creation and make a life. It means a small little boy will be brought into this world who will depend on me, who I will love with all of my heart and who will love me back. It will provide me with an opportunity to not only experience a small glimpse into taking part in God's creation... but also a small glimpse into the unconditional love He has for each one of us.

A part of Him is in each of us, for we are created in His image. A part of me is in my son, for he is 50% my genetics. We frustrate the daylights out of God, and there are consequences for our behavior... but He forgives us. I know there will be days when we will have conflict with our son, and we'll have to "ground" him or help him see the consequences of his behavior... but we will forgive him.

And in that moment of recognition... I swallowed my cracker & grape juice and thanked God for this amazing blessing of parenthood that He has bestowed upon us. Somehow, that perspective eased the frustration of the emotional roller-coasters and helped me to see that this will all. be. worth it.

The Annual Post of Gratitude

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and while this year I have found myself just generally more grateful for the blessings in my life - Thanksgiving is definitely a time to be intentional about that gratitude. After all, giving thanks for the abundance and blessing in our lives is the whole reason that the holiday was established in the first place (even though our culture would have us believe that it's about turkey & football).

"But Thanksgiving is more than eating, Chuck. You heard what Linus was saying out there. Those early Pilgrims were thankful for what had happened to them, and we should be thankful, too. We should just be thankful for being together. I think that's what they mean by 'Thanksgiving,' Charlie Brown." - Marcie from the Peanuts gang

 

So... what are some of the things that I am thankful for in 2011?

I am thankful for grace... When you allow grace to become a driving force in your life, it is amazing what can happen in your relationships with others. For example, a little while ago Steve came to me to talk about something that he knew would bother me but that had to be addressed. Under normal circumstances, I would have freaked out and let my emotions get the better of me. How dare I not be taken into consideration! How dare he not put me first! But I looked at Steve and saw someone who was humbling himself and coming to his wife in a step of healing and hope. Selfishness and anger would have just damaged our marriage if I had reacted so poorly; to react without grace would have made Steve think that he could not come to me to discuss things that need to be discussed. I intentionally allowed grace to rule my actions... and the result was understanding, discussion, healing, and love. That is just one example of how I have seen grace transform a situation from something potentially awful to something potentially beautiful. I am thankful for grace.

I am thankful for access to great healthcare... I think that in the US, decent healthcare is something that we can easily take for granted. However, being pregnant has given me a renewed gratitude for the level of healthcare that we have in our country. At nine weeks, I called our OB and left a message with the nurse because of some symptoms we were having. After a brief conversation, they brought me in for an emergency appointment, examined me, discussed what they saw, answered our questions, and issued instructions. Things were fine - but any time I've had a question or concern I can just call up and they are there to respond. There are so many countries in this world that do not have this easy access to good healthcare... and we should not take it for granted. Not for one second. And if able, I would encourage you to find an organization that provides healthcare to less fortunate regions of the world and support them with financial resources, supplies, or your time.

I am thankful for my wonderful husband...  The other night after getting back from signing our will/health care proxy/power of attorney papers and then finishing the update on our family finances, Steve looked at me and said "See? Didn't I tell you I would take care of you?". I looked back at him and said "I married you because I knew you would". Let me make this clear - it's not just our finances where he takes care of me. Steve is there every time I have a success to cheer me on, a failure to help me see how to improve, a bandaid when I cut myself (usually cutting veggies...), and to catch me when I fall (usually quite literally). He listens to me talk through things, holds me when I cry, laughs at my stupid jokes, is willing to work through both of our shortcomings, and tries to protect me from things he knows will hurt. Now... he's not perfect, and neither am I. There's no such thing as a perfect person. But he's pretty darn good to have as a husband and best friend; we could lose all of our "stuff" and money tomorrow... and we'd still have each other, and he would still take care of me. I am grateful for him every day.

I am thankful for our Little Person... As of today, I am 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Not a day passes that I am not incredibly grateful that God has blessed us with a child and that I pray for our child to continue to grow and be healthy. It is absolutely insane to think that Steve and I are going to be parents, and it's crazier to think that God is trusting US with the duties of parenting. I am so thankful for the opportunity to love on this Little Person, help them to learn the ways of the world, and just grow our little family. I love the moments when Steve gets close to my growing little bump and starts talking to him/her... "Hi, Baby!". It is such an amazing time for us right now, and I am cherishing every moment of it.

Those are just some of the highlights of the things that I'm grateful for this year. There are others, of course, but I only have so much room in a blog post.  

What about you? What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Make sure to take the time and reflect on the blessings in your life this weekend!!!

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NLT)

It's Been a While...

I realized this morning in the shower that it has been quite a while since I posted on my primary blog.

Why is that?

Well... it certainly wasn't that I didn't have anything to say. In fact, I had quite a bit to say. It's just that I wasn't saying much of it out loud. And it was hard to do that. So I just avoided it all together.

You see... the thing is: We're pregnant! Last week we released the information publicly as any modern-day couple would by posting the ultrasound picture on Facebook. It certainly was an easy way to get the word out and an exciting way to get lots of encouragement at once. In fact, even as an outside observer to other people's lives on Facebook, I love celebratory announcements. Pregnancies, engagements, promotions, weddings... if it's worth celebrating, I love when people are bold enough to put it out there and invite others to cheer alongside them.

Celebration is good.

At any rate, as of today I am 14 weeks, 5 days pregnant with our Little Person and I wanted to share with you a few of the things that pregnancy has taught me (so far... I have a long way to go and much more to learn). Some of these things I knew and pregnancy just made real, others I'm learning as I go.

Little Person at 9 weeks, 3 days old.
You can't tell from the picture, but he/she was a tiny dancer the day this was taken too.

Grace is Essential: When people find out that you're pregnant, they immediately get excited. When are you due, how are you feeling (with dirty looks or "you're so lucky") when you haven't gotten sick, are you finding out the gender... all sorts of typical questions. At that point in the conversation once the basics have been reported and excitement has been established, either the conversation continues in a normal fashion or some sort of borderline inappropriate behavior happens. Sometimes this takes the form of an unwelcomed stomach rub, uninvited pregnancy advice (that doesn't apply to your pregnancy), or an order about what you should or should not be doing.

Here's the thing - people do these things because they care. Responding in a face-ripping manner cuts their heart. If something that someone does in their care and excitement bothers me, then I need to have grace with them. I need to calmly explain why it bothers me, politely ask them not to do it again, and express my gratitude for their excitement.

Confession here is that this is totally against my sarcastic nature, but I recognize that and am working towards the graceful response rather than the snarky, cutting response. Pray for me.

Patience is Required: I want to meet my baby NOW. I want to feel his or her soft skin and fuzzy baby hair and yes - even change the first diaper. However, God has designed us so that the miracle of life takes up to 40 weeks to happen. This means that I do not get to meet my baby now - if I do, the baby is not in a good place and of course I do not want that to happen. And so, I must be patient. I wait patiently for the first kick, the next doctor's appointment, and that magical moment when I give birth to our Little Person sometime next spring. I rest in God's plan for pregnancy and know He designed it this way for a reason. Besides, if I can't be patient now - how am I ever going to manage parenting?

Husbands are Amazing: Not that I didn't already appreciate Steve, but there's something about having his wife pregnant that has transformed something in him. Maybe it's because I'm carrying our child, but he is really shining as a partner in the marriage since we found out we're pregnant. In listening to other wives talk about how their husbands were, I know that this is not a unique thing to just Steve. Husbands are wonderful; they are strength when we fall apart, they are a hand to squeeze when things hurt, and above all they want the absolute best for you and the child you are carrying. Steve has been to every doctor's appointment we've had (even relatively inconsequential ones), has jumped at opportunities to do every small thing related to baby, serves me at any opportunity, watches out to make sure I'm taking care of myself, and even took the initiative in getting us pregnancy books. He is my partner, lover, best friend, companion... he is amazing.

BFFs - Jamaica 2011

Reliance on God: Nothing in my life has taught me about the importance of relying on God the way that pregnancy has. I can fool myself in all sorts of areas that I can solely rely on me; financial success, reaching goals, and gaining knowledge and wisdom are just a few of the areas where I can make myself believe that I am completely in control. In those areas I can think that I earn my money (rather than God blessing me with resources), that I create my own destiny (rather than trusting in God's plan for my life), and that I can seek and gain wisdom & knowledge (with any guidance from the Holy Spirit) all by my onesies. However - only God can grow, develop, and perfect the little miracle that is growing inside of me right now. Are there things I can do to assist because the folks that God has gifted with medical knowledge have done the research and know the "right things" for pregnant ladies to do? Sure. But at the end of the day, Little Person is in the hands of God right now. He is knitting our Little Person as I type this (Psalm 139:13-16).

I know I have a long way to go before Little Person arrives and several milestones to hit, but I feel incredibly blessed with the lessons that I have already taken from this experience. Before we became pregnant, I was just excited to have our first child. But now that we are - I am excited at the experiences and growth that come along with being a parent, start to finish.